Who among us wasn't reduced to a useless, blubbering pile of lady-lovin' shmaltz upon learning from groom-to-be Ellen DeGeneres that she had asked for Portia de Rossi's hand shortly following the California Supreme Court's landmark same-sex marriage ruling? On today's show, presumptive Republican Party nominee John McCain stopped by to court its audience of all-important swing-dancers, and quickly found himself squarely in the crosshairs.
Asked to address the "big, gay, veil-wearing elephant in the room," McCain calmly explained his position on the matter—that while civil unions were acceptable, the sacrament of marriage should still remain the exclusive domain of twitchy, war-gaga torture-survivors and the opioid-popping women who love them. DeGeneres found his stance unacceptable, comparing it to segregationist policies of the South. We stand in solidarity: Let us now throw off the shackles of 5,000 years of heterosexual oppression and greet the winds of change, in a brave new America where Gays can drink freely from the same champagne fountains as their breeder brothers and sisters. Can we get a "Hallelujah?"