Which Of These Five Fantasy Couples Is Really Gay?S

The speculation today over actress Lindsay Lohan's possible sapphistry got us wondering about other celebrity gay rumors. If you believe Sex and the City, people whispering that you're a secret 'mo means you've finally arrived. If you believe former NSYNC band member and current slacks and defeated, lonely expression wearer JC Chasez those rumors are annoying. And what if, like Lindsay, you're rumored to be dating another celebrity? What does it all mean?? After the jump we'll take a look at LiLo and SamRo and other *possible* couples, like Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong, who are rumored to be sharing a charming little flat in downtown Sodom.

Which Of These Five Fantasy Couples Is Really Gay?

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson

Why They're Gay: Lindsay's super close relationship with with openly gay DJ Ronson has come under lots of scrutiny, mostly because the two seem to be crazy in love. What with the Lindsay Ronson Facebook page and the mysterious hickies, and the drunken lovers quarrels. Evidence seems to suggest that Lohan has spent some time on the cliffs of Acapulco with dear old Muffy. A very public lesbian relationship would be just the perfect capper to a whirlwind few years of drugs, drinking, car wrecks, and train wrecks.

Why They're Not: Lindsay dated socialitis and bee-sting sufferer Brandon Davis, she's from Long Island, and she's young. She just has a best friend, and it can look or even feel like love. Remember that friend you had who you just couldn't get enough of and you thought you'd die when they weren't around because it felt like they held a bigger piece of you than you did? It could just be like that.

Well, Is She? We say no. They're just friends. Very, very close friends. Who like to make out and stuff. Did we say no? We maybe meant yes. Lindsay, for the record, said today that she can date whomever she wants to date.

Which Of These Five Fantasy Couples Is Really Gay?

Oprah & Gayle

Why They're Gay: Oprah, host of a humble Chicago-based talk show, and her perennial gal pal Gayle King are always together. They take road trips! They talk four times a day! They give each other panties! And are mysteriously unattached! (I'm convinced that Steadman is a myth). No grown ladies are this close unless they're illicit, fabulously wealthy lovers. Even America's biggest, fattest, lesbianest loudmouth Rosie O'Donnell thinks they're gay.

Why They're Not: Contrary to my belief, Steadman is in fact a real person and has been with Oprah for some time now. Both Gayle and Oprah vehemently deny the rumors. Plus... Oh fuck it.

They're gay.

Which Of These Five Fantasy Couples Is Really Gay?

Chace Crawford and JC Chasez

Why They're Gay: Because they reportedly were planning on moving in together. JC Chasez was in a boyband. Chace Crawford is on the show Gossip Girl, which is about bitchiness. Plus, look at Chace's hair.

Why They're Not: Tipsters have told us that JC is very "straight." So too is Chace, if his publicists are to be believed. Just because two cute boys like to sing and dance and have floppy hair and hang out a lot doesn't mean they're gay together. Oh mercy yes it means they're gay, but not necessarily together.

Well, Are They? A boy can dream. Though, isn't the gays' eternal optimism about every pretty young thing Hollywood churns out getting a little tired, and maybe even...sad? Sigh.

Which Of These Five Fantasy Couples Is Really Gay?

Matthew McConaughey and Every Man He's Ever Worked Out With

Why They're Gay: The actor lurves to hang out with famous cyclist Lance Armstrong, mostly while shirtless and sweaty and running. They are photographed all the time together, and a little while ago they adopted little Jake Gyllenhaal (a "cub") to be their plaything and they all worked out together and then went home so Lance could perform his famous Tour De Pants dance. Plus, his name is Lance.

Why They're Not: They told People magazine that they weren't doin' it, so that must be believed. Also, they're pretty ungay. Lance Armstrong has been something of a rake since he became famous and divorced his loving and devoted wife. He dated an Olsen for God's sake! Also, Matthew McConaughey plays the bongo drums nude in his front yard. That's not very gay. Had it been a marimba, then maybe.

Well, Are They? Nah. Though we do hear rumors from friends of friends of friends that McConaughey has hit on them at clubs, we don't believe these guys as a couple. They're just two dudes who like to get oiled up and run on the beach together, then go back to Matt's place and play with Lance's Schwinn.

Which Of These Five Fantasy Couples Is Really Gay?

Tom Cruise and the Well-Worn Photo of C. Thomas Howell He Keeps Under the Mattress

Why They're Gay: Everyone is always yakking about Tom Cruise being secretly gay, but no one ever seems to suggest who he might be gay with. Sure there are the rumors that he and Travolta just fly in a plane load of anonymous twinks for a weekend's worth of fun, but there must be someone specific that catches Tom's fancy. We like to think it's his Outsiders costar, C. Thomas, who Tom has held a torch for all these years. When Katie's away out comes the picture, the lights go down, and somewhere in Oklahoma S.E. Hinton feels a chill go up her spine.

Why They're Not: Because these are just the sad imaginings of someone who should leave his damn house more often.

Well, Are They? We kid, we kid. Andrew Morton, in his indepth biography of the actor, says that Cruise is, in fact, not gay at all. He's just very strange. The gay rumors started early in Tom's career, and he's been unable to put the kibosh on them since. And, huh, we actually buy that.

What do you think, dear shamefully closeted readers? Are these celebrity twosomes in fact romantically connected? Does it matter? Do you care? Is C. Thomas Howell still alive?