The Brazilian wax you scheduled to coincide with your Sex and the City opening night party may have now given way to the discomforting condition known as a Bolivian rash—but luckily for you there exists no better topical salve than the weekend's boffo numbers:
1. Sex and the City - $55.7 million
Wow. Wow, wow, wow. Take a moment to gaze up at that big, shimmering, fuscia number for a moment, and see if your heart doesn't race just a little bit. From coast to coast—from giddy Wall St. traders having the Sex quartet tattooed onto their backs, to Chicago area tollbooth workers handing out free Cosmos and relationship advice, to Las Vegas tourists running for their lives as four towering Sexbots, manned by what remains of New Line's Special Events and Promotions department, trampled cars and small businesses beneath their eight-foot-high Jimmy Choos—there really was no escaping Sex and the City this weekend.
And people managed to find the time to see the movie, too—$26.9 million's worth on Friday alone, and more than enough to make Sex the Highest Opening Ever for an R-Rated Comedy™. Its 85% female audience instantly metamorphosed into a fearsome nation of gender-inversed fanboys, queuing up for repeat screenings in highly specific costume ("I'm recently-dumped-by-Post-It Carrie!"), and arguing that the Samantha anal-sex subplot was handled to far greater effect in Season 4's "tuchus-lingus" episode. The game, as they say, has changed.
2. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - $46 million
While alien-shaped candy bowls with mystical, Russian-detonating properties have given way to massive Manhattan apartments with walk-in closets as moviegoers' supernatural MacGuffin of choice, Steven Spielberg and George Lucas's prairie-dog-riffic ruination of a beloved franchise only managed to drop "a respectable 54%" in its second, regrettable weekend at the box office.
3. The Strangers - $20.707 million
A lesser triumph was Rogue Pictures' execrably reviewed The Strangers, which both succeeded in greatly exceeding box office expectations, while ushering in the next chapter of Liv Tyler's once-promising, now-slumming- with-Scott Speedman-in-B-horror-movies career.
4. Iron Man - $14 million
As Ben Stiller's nephew Carl pointed out on last night's MTV Movie Awards, for the traditional fanboy wanting top-tier entertainment, Iron Man is still the only game in town—at least until Dark Knight comes out, and which point Iron should be pooping nuts and bolts.. In the meantime, enjoy this encore of the Soldered One kicking Kung Fu Panda, who's already getting on our nerves, in the panda-nuts.
5. The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian - $13.016 million
An additional 43% decline to a puny third week take elicited yet another statement from Disney head Robert Iger, who blamed, "the days of Saturday and Sunday, traditionally the most overcrowded leisure time of the week—full of swimming pool, barbecuing, and sports-watching alternative options" for cutting into the sequel's receipts.