If you're famous, and you want to do cocaine (or smoke crack), our best advice is: don't do it, because you're a role model. Ha ha. But seriously, hopeless crackhead celebrities; if you're going to do it at least don't be an idiot. Coke is hardly even frowned upon in Hollywood, but getting busted while acting like a maniac can seriously impair your image and earning ability in middle America. So learn from your more unfortunate peers' mistakes; after the jump, five cases of cocaine-fuelled idiocy, and how not to reproduce them.
1. Buying crack on the street: Tatum O'Neal—as we mentioned earlier, celebrities should all certainly have private, high-class connections to make discreet deliveries to their door. Buying rocks off the street is for the poors.
2. Calling the police while you do coke: Boy George—the singer made a frantic 911 call saying his home was being burglarized, only to be arrested on a drug charge after the cops found an eight-ball in his apartment when they showed up to investigate. Needless to say: do not call the police while you do coke. Christ.
3. Allowing yourself to be videotaped smoking crack: Amy Winehouse—the crazy British beehive badass got arrested after a tape of her smoking the rock was "passed to Scotland Yard." Shouldn't they be investigating mysterious murders in locked rooms, or something? In any case, if you're going to smoke crack, and you are a very famous person, be sure to do it with no recording devices present. (This goes for regular cameras too, Kate Moss).
4. Annoying your relatives so much they sell you out: Whitney Houston—The singer went so crazy on crack that her sister-in-law Tina Brown, herself a former crackhead, staged an intervention. By selling embarassing photos of Whitney's coke-strewn house to the National Enquirer! Lesson: your relatives are greedy bastards quick to stab you in the back to make a buck, so be sure to take care of them financially before they call the tabloids.
5. Fighting the police: Christian Slater—It's bad enough to be arrested by the police. Getting your ass kicked by them is even more embarrassing. Particularly when you act like a lunatic while doing so. Cue Christian Slater, 1997: the floppy-haired actor, bingeing on coke, beat his girlfriend at a party, bit a man, and then, "When the police arrived, Slater did not go quietly, but hid in a stairwell and fought with officers, reportedly shouting, 'the Germans are coming and they will kill us!'" Don't do that.