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If you ever find yourself needing an official corporate quote from CBS, the man who'll give it to you is Gil Schwartz, the Tiffany Network's top flack. And no matter how you feel about their news anchor, you have to give CBS credit: they're the only major media company to have a top PR person who writes books under a pseudonym about how much corporate America sucks. Schwartz's pen name is "Stanley Bing," and he's been writing for decades (currently, for Fortune) about all the business world's bullshit. Bing's real identity was outed more than 20 years ago, but—more bonus points—the network didn't fire him. They gave him a promotion! So how is CBS' Executive Vice President of Communications spending his time these days? By advising the world on how to slack off at their jobs:

SchwartzBing's latest book is called Executricks: How to Retire While You're Still Working. His five key points:

* Delegation: the art of making other people do what you don't want to;

* Absence: the establishments of zones in which one is working and not working at the same time;

* Abuse of status: formerly the realm of senior officers, now available to everyone with creativity and even a modest amount of plastic;

* The appearance of decisiveness, even when confused - the decision-making process is the single greatest eater of retirement time and must be telescoped;

* Intense Engagement when required. Short, intense bursts of actual work are sometimes necessary and must be managed with aplomb.

SchwartzBing is having a contest now looking for slacking suggestions. Best one wins a free lunch with him. Please enter, win, and send a full report.

(Gil: Don't forget to also think up excuses for Katie Couric, though.)

[HuffPo, PRNewser, Bloomberg TV. Pic via WP]