Report: Movie Snacks Surest Way to Fat-Guy Comedy Stardom, Death

The body-ravaging horrors of movie-theater concessions aren't especially breaking news to anyone whose pores ever oozed yellow grease for two days after dropping $15 on one of those beloved Regal "Family-Trough" snack specials. But when couched in riveting metrosexual terms by Dave Zinczenko and the crew at Men's Health, the grim numbers yield a far more haunting context: A large popcorn with butter = 1,283 calories and 78 grams of fat; large nachos with cheese = 1,101 calories and 59 grams of fat.

And then there are Whoppers, whose pleasures we've long conflated with sweet spheres of chocolate-covered humanity but which Zinczenko et. al. have scared us straight into avoiding for the rest of our natural lives:

Whoppers (5 oz. box) 676 calories 24 g fat (20.3 g saturated) 88 g sugars How many malt balls does it take to run up a day's worth of saturated fat? About 70, the number in a theatre-sized box of Whoppers. This candy's a long-standing classic, but so are fat-guy comedians. You want to join that jowly double bill?

The folks at Hershey's are beside themselves, meanwhile, rallying to the defensive with a new slate of pre-movie commercials featuring Fat-Guy Comedy All-Stars like Jeff Garlin, Horatio Sanz and Frank Caliendo — the latter of whose spot reportedly features the rotund impressionist as Zinczenko, taking ill-timed breaks from his mani-pedi to obsessively wolf down a few smooth, life-affirming Whoppers. "This is what being a man is all about," he moans between chews, jowly all the way. OK, we're convinced.