Now that the new season of Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List has begun, we've had a chance to spend some quality time with the comic and her much-trotted-around billionaire boyfriend, Apple Computer co-founder Steve Wozniak. Sure, we know the two have already broken up, but observing them interact—behold the clip above, in which a Segway training session is as tender and romantic as a shared plate of spaghetti in Lady and the Tramp—at least gave us some inkling into what made their much-buzzed about relationship work while it lasted. But now comes the shocking!—OK, not all that shocking—news that Griffin and The Woz never, you know, actually...did it. From usmagazine.com:

"We were dating, but were just friendly. I never f——d him or anything!" she told Usmagazine.com during a visit to our NYC offices last Thursday.
"The truth is," she added, "we really were friends the whole time."

She announced their split in April (they met in 2007 after he watched her perform).

After they called it quits, she said "he met someone very quickly and then they [got] engaged."

"I have had dinner with them, and she's a thousand times more appropriate!" she said. "I hate to say it, but in the Bruce, Demi, Ashton [scheme of things], I'm the Bruce!"

We doubt we'll be able to mask our disappointment that neither could satisfy one another in ways that might have ensured a lasting relationship, and who knows—maybe even some little Griffniaks down the line. Regardless of carnal knowledge, however, the bar has been set: If you expect to woo her, Miss Griffin demands nothing short of one billion dollars in liquid assets (that's what comes of learning your first husband took $72,000 out of your bank account in small ATM installments), upon which she'll gladly accept your offer for dinner, and generously overlook any obvious toupees that might have come along for the ride.