Burned once by the infamous Class of 2000, upon whom they bestowed their Vanity Fair ® Fresh Faces™ Seal of Approval—only to see each and every cover subject's careers offed in increasingly elaborate, Final Destination-esque death sequences—the celebrity-fellating periodical of record is taking no chances with its current "Hollywood's New Wave" issue: Virtually every actor below the age of 18 to earn so much as a single line of dialogue on an episode of iCarly has been profiled in their Bright Young Hollywood portfolio, each posing seductively in their very own Annie Leibovitz "just fucked" portrait. Among the inductees is Superbad star Christopher Mintz-Plasse. We shit you not: McLovin gets to answer his own Pimply Proust Questionnaire:
CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE Age: 19. Hometown: West Hills, California. Breakthrough role: "McLovin" in Superbad. Upcoming film: Little Big Man. First "Hollywood" moment? "Well, I'm a Jessica Alba fan, so the first time I met her kind of blew my mind because she was a huge fan of me. I was like, 'Really?' "
Number of shoes in your closet? "Three. My basketball shoes and then my two pair of Vans that I wear. That's all I wear, really. I slip on Vans. I'm lazy." Favorite accessory? "I always have got my iPod on me. It's safety, so when people are yelling 'McLovin' at you, you can't hear them." BlackBerry or iPhone? Verizon Chocolate. What's on your iPod? "Sublime, Incubus, Chili Peppers, Muse, the Killers, Parliament-Funkadelic, Led Zeppelin, the Doors. God, I could keep going." Xbox, Wii, or PlayStation? Xbox 360. Madden or Halo? Call of Duty. Last book you read? "You're going to hate me for this, but I have not read a book in many years. I have just been reading scripts nonstop."
We're going to ignore the scripts-over-books-reading comment, mainly cause 98% of L.A.-based actors are guilty of the same thing, and at least he had the McBalls to admit it. Instead we'll focus on what is likely going to be the saddest thing we'll hear this week. (And this comes after witnessing Corey Haim squelching down Defamer-induced sobs.) We refer, of course, to his admission, "I always have got my iPod on me. It's safety, so when people are yelling 'McLovin' at you, you can't hear them." Why! Oh why, do we build up our adolescent-teen-sex-comedy supporting-dweebs only to tear them back down again? Do you hear us, Grease's Eugene, Meatballs's Spaz, American Pie's The Sherminator, and the entire cast of Revenge of the Nerds? You can't shut us out, no matter how loudly the volume is turned on your personal stereos. We're calling you by your actual names.
Pictured, Hollywood New Wave member Christopher Mintz-Plasse and several fresh-faced starlets, hanging from a high tree limb like some lost simian tribe of crisp-whites-wearing future superstars.