"Declaration of Co-dependence": Rules for Urban Babies

The hilarious, unhinged, and angry man (and Park Slope parent!) we know only as Blognigger has gone ahead and drafted a long, detailed list of rules of how to live with your kids in an urban environment: "We the parents of Park Slope and the surrounding vicinity hereby declare our realization that we and our children can, at times, be annoying as FUCK." The Declaration of Co-dependence covers all the basics—sidewalk behavior, restaurant behavior, bookstore/movie theater/supermarket behavior, and subway behavior. It also unilaterally bans children from all bars—well, except for "the little shitty one in the front of Two Boots."

Article I: Sidewalk Behavior

I.a.1 - Parents with strollers shall not occupy more than 66% of the width of a given sidewalk's walking area, except for periods of less than ten seconds when passing jutting storefront artifacts such as elongated entranceways, outdoor eating areas, or subway stations.

I.a.2 - As mothers, especially new mothers, are often hormonal masses of cluelessness, fathers will be responsible for a family's compliance with article I.a.1. Childless Individuals are urged to take special note of these characteristics of a mother's mindstate, and to factor this understanding into their reactions to violations of Article 1.a.1; a mother's failure to make room for you on the sidewalk does not derive from her arrogance, though it may easily be mistaken for such; said failure is merely motivated by obliviousness due to lack of sleep, individual freedom, and the chemical demand of continual and exclusive focus on her children.
It's pretty thorough: there's a list of restaurants that he's decided can allow children before 8, a list of restaurants that can allow kids up until 9:30, and another list of establishments where no kids should be allowed ever. ("Anyone tryin' to get laid by shelling out 200$ at Sette at 10pm shouldn't have to listen to a fuckin kid screaming—I don't care what neighborhood it is.")


We agree completely. Sometimes you just have to arbitrarily lay down the rules! (That's what being a parent is all about.)


Declaration of Codependence [Blognigger]