'Hellboy II': The Golden Weekend

Four ways to jump start your Monday morning: 1. Moisten fork prongs with mouth. Place end of fork between teeth, press prongs into nearest wall socket. 2. Fill microwave-safe cup with water. Microwave for 2-3 minutes (times vary). Remove cup, pour contents directly onto eyeballs. 3. Have a co-worker hold a duct tape gun to your left ear. Spin in counter-clockwise circles until your entire head is mummified inside a sticky cellophane prison. See how long you can last without breathing before slicing open at mouth. 4. Read the box office numbers!

1. Hellboy II: The Golden Army - $35.885 million
Every true visionary director has their own methodology, and Guillermo del Toro is no exception: Every night before going to bed, the Guadalajara native consumes approximately two dozen tins of tainted sheep and pork products, their deadly bacteria providing the nightmare fuel that produces such del Toroian visions as cat-snacking bag ladies and 20-story legumes hellbent on destruction. Apparently America has an appetite for these fever-dream delicacies, as the reluctant red hero's adventures took an easy first place win. Selma Blair, meanwhile, returns to full-fledged movie-star status, just in time for the debut of NBC's Kath and Kim, effectively making her the new Steve Carell.

2. Hancock - $33 million
This movie's central theme of overcoming potential-stifling demons in order to fully benefit from one's innate super-abilities is rich in the tenets of Scientology, making Hancock in many ways Will Smith's own Battlefield Earth, and explaining all those assist tents set up in the Grove theater lobby.

3. Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D - $20.58 million
Brendan Fraser's return to summer blockbuster action hero status begins with this immersive experience, as the once white-hot leading man tumbles into the perilous abyss in search of his former career, fighting off carnivorous plants and role-hungry Van Der Beeks along the way.

4. Wall-E - $18.509 million
Obese-Americans continue to cry foul against Pixar's dark masterpiece, claiming the portrait of the overweight painted by the movie—perennial couch potatoes, forever slurping down Jamba Burgers and texting the people directly next to them—to be an ugly and unfair stereotype. Bloggers, meanwhile, herald it as "the first accurate depiction in a mainstream Hollywood film. Thank you, Pixar, for finally legitimizing our kind!"

7. Meet Dave - $5.3 million
Or just ignore him completely.