'10,' 'Valley Girl' Lead Charge as Terrifying Remake Fever Grips Hollywood

Because the week wasn't ruined enough with RoboCop news and word of Gene Simmons judging ad jingles, the End of Ideas caravan rolls on today with not one, not two but three whole fucking remake concepts for us to dread — none more irritating than Hyde Park's reimagining of Blake Edwards's classic 10. It's not that the Dudley Moore/Bo Derek comedy is untouchable, but at least Edwards doesn't have hold it down while the new producers rape it:

After a long campaign to get Edwards to entrust them, the producers have already met with agencies to package the romantic comedy. They hope to engage in a global search for a newcomer to play the new "10."
"Blake's timeless original encapsulated the fallacy of 'the grass is always greener' in relationships," said (Hyde Park chairman Ashok) Amritraj.

And someday some genius will pick up the same principal in a mockumentary of a fork-tongued producer who finds God after experimentating lazy shit like this — or, maybe even more appalling depending on whose hands it falls into, the musical remake of Valley Girl. The 1983 film no doubt shows its age these days, featuring a very young Nicolas Cage and a classic soundtrack that won't likely survive the Hairspray-ing the film will undergo at MGM — i.e., no Plimsouls cameos, folks. Sorry!

Finally comes Papillon, the 1973 Steve McQueen/Dustin Hoffman prison drama that we're probably most comfortable with seeing rebooted — preferably with Daniel Craig as the title character, on whose tale of escape from Devil's Island the film was based. If the producers, including Gladiator's Branko Lustig, dare to reuse Dalton Trumbo and Lorenzo Semple's screenplay, we might even bless this, but we know better: Stephen Sommers will probably be attached by Monday.