Brilliant Film Critic Tragically Mistaken For Pathetic Drunk

Unless it results in an extra getting thrown off the set of Transformers 2 for lunch crimes against Michael Bay, we're not generally in the blog-comment monitoring business. But some flame wars are so spectacular (and some news days so implacably slow) they defy ignoring — especially when obvious intoxication is involved, and especially when the offending party himself is the only one around to catch fire.

And ESPECIALLY when the solution to America's Movie Critic Deathwatch is hidden within the trenchant stream-of-consciousness rant therein. We're just sorry that troubled Hot Blog commenter "LexG" won't be around to reap the rewards of his masterwork after the blog's proprietor, David Poland, cut him off at the knees:

I'M SMARTER THAN HALF THE SO CALLED EXPERTS. I SHOULD BE A FUCKING FILM CRITIC. WHY AM I A WORKADAY POSTHOUSE DOUCHE WHEN I'M SMARTER THAN ANYONE IN THE WORLD?

Our thoughts exactly! But that's hardly everything; taste all the bile after the jump. (Or, if you're Kenneth Turan, Elvis Mitchell or Luke Y. Thompson, maybe just consider skipping to the next item.)

I DON'T GET WHY SOME PEOPLE GET TO BE PROFESSIONAL MOVIE CRITICS WHEN I'M OBVIOUSLY SMARTER THAN THEM.

I HAVE DEGREES IN JOURNALISM, FILM HISTORY, AND ENLIGHT LIT, WITH MINORS IN RUSSIAN LIT, FILMMAKING, AND LIKE 15 OTHER THINGS.

HOW DOES A LUKE THOMPSON OR A FATBODY LIKE ELVIS DOUCHEBAG MITCHELL GET A PAID JOB AS A FILM CRITIC?

OR THAT FAT OLD BITCH KEN TURAN? THAT GUY IS THE WORST MOVIE CRITIC IN AMERICA, AN OLD, ELDERLY, BORING STUFFY BORE. KEN TURAN BLOWS.

LEXG IS SMARTER THAN FUCKING KEN TURAN, WHO'S LIKE THE BORING BOOK CRITIC VERSION OF MICHAEL MEDVED.

YEAH, I SAID IT. FUCK KEN TURAN. WORST MOVIE CRITIC IN AMERICA. OLD FUCK. MAN UP, TURAN, YOU'RE A PUSSY.

KEN TURAN IS GARBAGE.

HIRE THE LEX.

I'M SMARTER THAN HALF THE SO CALLED EXPERTS. I SHOULD BE A FUCKING FILM CRITIC. WHY AM I A WORKADAY POSTHOUSE DOUCHE WHEN I'M SMARTER THAN ANYONE IN THE WORLD?

YES, I AM SMARTER THAN YOU.

YOU ARE A BITCH. I AM GOD. BOW TO ME.

THREE COLLEGE DEGREES, IQ OF 230. [...]

ALCOHOL OWNS. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

DRINK UP ALL BITCHES— LEXCOUNT = 11 BEERS, HALF A BOTTLE OF THE D.K.A. AND NOW SOME JACK BITCH.

YEP YEP.

KNOW. I AM PLAINVIEW. FUCK EVERYONE.

And there's more. Who's hiring?