Male comedians are weird. They jerk off all the time, and then go on stage and talk about jerking off all the time, for money and laughs. But our nation's most hilarious stand-up comic and critically cherished sitcom auteur adds a thrilling twist to his onanistic escapades: He traps unsuspecting women in his hotel room and makes them stick around until he's done.
We've heard from several sources that this shameless funnyman whips it out at the most inopportune moments, often at times when his female companions have expressed no interest in watching him go at it. A representative example: At the Aspen Comedy Festival a few years ago, he invited a female comedy duo back to his hotel room. The two ladies gladly joined him, and offered him some weed. He turned it down, but asked if it would be OK if he took his dick out.
Thinking he was joking (that's exactly the kind of thing this guy would say), the women gave a facetious thumbs up. He wasn't joking. When he actually started jerking off in front of them, the ladies decided that wasn't their bag and made for the exit. But the comedian stood in front of the door, blocking their way with his body, until he was done.
One of the ladies was so shaken by the episode that she complained to the festival's organizers about the comedian's behavior. She promptly received a call from his extremely powerful manager explaining that, if she valued her career, she would drop it. She valued her career.
When we contacted the victim to check out the story, she wrote back: "first of all, your facts are wrong. and secondly, i don't want to be a part of this story. i'm sure you understand." When we asked her which facts were wrong and if the incident ever happened at all, she wrote: "please don't contact me about this matter anymore. Breast of luck to you."
When we reached out to the extremely powerful manager, he put the comedian's publicist in touch with us. After a lengthy and detailed phone conversation, the publicist agreed to ask the comedian about the incident. Weeks went by and we heard nothing. When we followed up with the publicist, he replied: "Sorry for delay but I never heard back from [him]."
If you've ever come across this jerk-off (or if he's ever come across you!), please let us know. He's lucky no one's called the cops yet.
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