Tell Us Your Thanksgiving Horror Stories

Last year we had so much fun hearing your accounts of holidays gone horribly awry, we decided to do it again. Like grandma getting drunk and cursing you out, it's a new Thanksgiving tradition!

Between cooking accidents, travel mishaps, family dysfunction, and other assorted boneheaded blunders, Thanksgiving is particularly ripe for disasters. We all have a tale about burning a turkey, getting trapped in the airport with nothing but $3.52 and a Snuggie, you fatass Aunt Fanny passing out in her stuffing, or, you know, burning the house down on Thanksgiving Day. We want you to share those stories with us!

The best one will win a whole case of Stoli vodka—which should be enough to get you and your whole family drunk to forget the pain of the day that just passed.

Since this is our second year of doing this, here are some ground rules:

  • Last year's winning and honorably mentioned stories are not eligible again this year. Sorry! (Based on how horrible some of their families are, though, the authors probably have more stories where those came from.) Stories that were submitted but did not win or receive an honorable mention are eligible again this year. Keep in mind, though, that there was probably a good reason your story didn't win last year. So maybe you should go back and jazz it up (or shorten it) a bit.
  • Stories are rewarded not only for the atrocity of the tale, but also their comedic value and the quality of the writing. Keep them concise, clever, and entertaining. And don't forget that proper punctuation and spelling counts.
  • If you start your story with "This isn't as bad as everyone else's but..." or something similar, it will not be read by the official judging panel (which is basically me and my drunk family after Thanksgiving dinner). If you tell us your story isn't good enough to win, we're going to take your word for it.
  • All stories must have taken place on or around Thanksgiving. Feel free to submit stories from this year.
  • Submissions must be made in the comments section of this post. If you aren't already a commenter, find out how to become one here. I love hearing from you all, but do not email me your stories. Thanks.
  • Stories must be submitted Monday, November 29 at noon. We'll pick the winner later that afternoon.
  • You must be 21 or older to participate. All other standard contest rules apply.

Alright, it's time to get in the comments and start sharing away. It's going to be a long holiday week, so why not enjoy it by wallowing in our collective misery?

[Illustration by Contributing Illustrator Sam Spratt, based on Norman Rockwell's "Thanksgiving." Check out Sam's newly redesigned portfolio website and become a fan of his Facebook Artist's Page.]