It's Jennifer Anniston's birthday, and she's taking the gang down to Meheeko to party with her maybe-mans. Sandra Bullock knows she's not winning an Oscar. JWoww's boobs, Tiger's dick, Pete Wentz's semen, and more! Presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup.
- Jennifer Aniston isn't sweating Yo Gabba Gabbaspora or whatever we're calling the imminent breakup of Brangelina, as she spent her 41st birthday "canoodling" or whatever we're calling whenever she hangs out with Gerard Butler. They went down to Mexico with Courtney Cox, David Arquette, and Sheryl Crow, who shares a birthday with Aniston and has more talent in her left hand than the other three have if you were to smoosh them all together and make something that were trying to go up in comparison to the talent of Sheryl Crow. Anyway: just because they were in Mexico doesn't mean David Arquette tried to fuck a donkey. [NYDN]
- So: bigdick Hollywood producer Jon Peters is getting sued for sexual harassment. Peters was going to put out a memoir dishing on Hollywood's shiniest, but it was shelved. All the people Peters was going to dish on the book could now use that pissiness to take the stand against him voluntarily, if called to do so. Some of the names on the list, via the Post:
The leading ladies include Barbra Streisand, Salma Hayek, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Sharon Stone, Jennifer Lopez and Oprah Winfrey. Male stars include Tom Cruise, Will Smith, Jamie Foxx and Leonardo DiCaprio. Among the directors on the list are Bryan Singer, Brett Ratner and JJ Abrams.
It's like a well-balanced diet of hacks, has-beens, and people other people actually like. Proportionally! Anyway, this could be fun, and also, piece-of-shit Hollywood producers deserve their comeuppance more than pretty much anybody I can think of off the top of my head. [Page Six]
- Sandra Bullock: self-aware! She knows she's not winning an Oscar because this isn't her Oscar-winning role. It's just not. In fact, it's...simply nothing substantial. The Hollywood Foreign Press doesn't understand English so they gave her an award for a shity movie. That's all she needs. That's all she deserves. She plays the Magic White Woman who teaches the Sad Black Kid how to eat at the table. Give me a fucking break. Sandra Bullock knows this. Good for her. Also, Sandra Bullock has a two-legged dog. Seriously. If these two things don't make you like her, nothing will. And you're heartless. You were heartless anyway. [People]
- Jersey Shore's JWoww is getting bigger boobs. Of all the things a JWoww needs in life, you think a new pair of knockers is really it? How about primal scream therapy? Or, like, a new medulla oblongata? Are tits really the best investment for this girl? Can't she put some money in commodities or something? Isn't gold doing really well these days? [Page Six]
- Tiger Woods is plotting his return to golf. His penis could care less. [TMZ]
- So, apparently, Vladimir Putin had sex with a really hot, very accomplished gymnast—Alina Kabaeva—and the Post broke the story of him impregnating her. And in Soviet Russia, story break you, or something. The girl all but disappeared and only five people are in contact with her. They look like this when they're not having sex:
- Boris and Natasha-esque Daily News gossip team Rush & Molly, today, you fail: an item about Eliot Spitzer's madam Kristen Davis running for governor with the help of a GOP hack? This is a joke. But I did enjoy this part:
Davis already has backers. She says that rapper 50 Cent has offered to put his G-Unit staff at her disposal. Northern California pot growers are also said to have promised contributions. And then there are Davis' former clients, some of whom are quite wealthy.
This isn't funny because the G-Unit's services are at Kristen Davis' political disposal, but because the G-Unit are kind of like "The Pussycats" to 50 Cent's "Josie." [NYDN]
- Topper Mortimer, who everyone kinda thinks is gay because he couldn't hang onto The Tinz, was seen on a date with a lady who used to date a guy in Duran Duran. There's nothing funny about this other than the fact that it does nothing to convince me that Topper Mortimer isn't gay. [Page Six]
- Britney Murphy's last words were "Mom, I'm dying." Which is sad, tragic, and awful. [NYDN]
- MO. Mariano Rivera went into a charity benefit for kids whose parents are in prison, ordered off the menu, and then signed everything in sight and took lots of pictures. If only I didn't start convulsing every time he takes the mound. [Page Six]
- Melrose Place HUNK OF MAN MEAT and some lady got married. More importantly, how could would it be to have Elizabeth Shue as your sister? [People]
- David Paterson showed up to a charity event and made fun of his own penis, saying he expected to read about the charity events "exploits" in Page Six. Except not, because apparently we're going to read about your penis in the New York Times in due course. [Page Six]
- Miley Cyrus tried to make herself less hateable by organizing some charity auction for Haiti. Jury's out right now, but so far, yeah: no. [People]
- Warren Sapp got arrested for domestic violence in Miami. Because that's how former NFL stars celebrate the Super Bowl? [TMZ]
- Something about Pete Wentz enjoying "making babies" or some nonsense. Yeah, speak for yourself, buddy. [People]
- Wow, Media TakeOut's kinda crazy. I just decided to visit it on a whim and found this picture of Pharell Williams and Ron Mughghghahwgagagagghhhaha's like "EEEEK!!! PRODUCER PHARRELL GOT AN UGLY NEW CHAIN . . . TO GO WITH HIS UGLY NEW FACE!!!" No, seriously, that's a direct quote. I have a feeling I'll be stopping by this Media TakeOut business much more often. Enjoyable. [MTO]
Guys, I'm gonna apologize in advance for this weekend: I'm still on as much vicoden as I can handle blogging on, which doesn't exactly inhibit, uh, creativity. Public service announcement: if you sit as demonstrated in the right side of this picture for seven months straight, seven days a week, you won't be a happy blogger. Or human being. So expect a lot of straight news today, though if you have any funtime ideas, feel free to hit me with them. A special ManTastic Altarcations will arrive sometime around 2:30, and also, I'll be liveblogging the PuppyBowl at some point today. Maybe with some help. ANYWAY. Commenterat, unite today! This jam's for you:
[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]