Barack Obama's Make-Believe State of the UnionS

Were you looking forward to an all-new Mentalist tonight? Sorry, America—Barack Obama's the only charming rascal solving complex problems in about an hour tonight. We'll be here, liveblogging away, at 9.

What to expect? First of all, it's not a State of the Union. Presidents only get to give those when they've been president longer than a month. (Constitutionally they can give them whenever they want, it's just not considered polite.) So instead of a year-in-review, it'll be yet another summary of the biggest financial crisis since the Great Depression, what Obama is doing to fix it, and then what he has planned for the year ahead.

The President is terribly popular still, so his only real hurdle is selling whatever his bank plan is. Take a thousand drinks if you hear the word "nationalization." One shot for "stress test." Then he'll explain his magical plan to cut the deficit in half.

Also there will be stuff about Afghanistan, and how we're done in Iraq so it's time to clean up that other country we're occupying.

And the big news will probably be details on health care reform. Well, either details or vague statements and references to a forthcoming "summit." (Drink every time he says "summit.") Either one is possible.

We'll see you at 9 p.m. Eastern.