He gives up. So you pick somebody. From the altweekly's website:

"If we've learned anything in the last year, it's that a vast number of New Yorkers believe they have what it takes to be a sex columnist. And so, rather than picking one from the surprisingly large pool of potential weekly contributors, we've chosen instead to open up the process-and, in the end, let the readers decide."

If you can cobble together 1,000 naughty words so they make sense in the English language, then prepare for mockery, low pay, few readers, and little job security. Then again, this would be an excellent way to get back at any below-par paramours.