Large Guidingl Soap Operas, those extended cheaply thrilling drawn out narratives, are dying as an "art form." Something must be done to keep America invested in the lives of Dr. Rick Bauer, Remy Boudreau and Buzz Cooper! Something like handheld cameras! According to the LAT, Guiding Light, the longest running soap opera ever, is set to switch over from old pedestal cams to handheld ones. But soap operas are embracing technology for the young'uns in new ways too! "In another nod to technology, a serial killer stalking General Hospital ominously uses a preferred method of communication among the younger crowd — text messaging — to contact potential victims."

Clearly the aesthetic will be different with handheld cameras, jumpier, closer, frenetic. But an inane conversation about the minute details of some unbelievable, and unbelievably dull, character will always be uninteresting no matter how you shoot it, handheld, smell-o-vision, helmet cam, 3-D, Magic Eye, Hypercolor, Braille, Sepia, Slow Motion, in night vision goggles, in Wide Screen. It doesn't matter. The most likely consequence of this change is that an army of moo-mooed obese housewives (not that they are the only ones who watch soap operas but we've all seen What's Eating Gilbert Grape?) will raise their voices up in protest screeching, "Why is it so shaky? It makes my eyes hurts!"

8:14 AM on Wed Jan 30 2008
By Joshua Stein
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32 comments

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In Other News... at 08:38 AM on 01/30/08
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...and the scripts will be written on cell phones.
VoxPopuli at 08:40 AM on 01/30/08
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Ooh... text messaging. Edgy.
How threatening can a death threat be when it's "im gona kill u. watch ur back."
fiveinchtaint at 10:01 AM on 01/30/08
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The National Housekeepers' Association has already expressed their intent to strike should this change occur.
Spirit Fingers at 10:13 AM on 01/30/08
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This is not making the Spirit happy. I'd rather not need a Dramamine in order to watch Reva's clone try to seduce Josh, or the Bauer family 4th of July BBQ with an airplane puke bag nearby...but then it's Guiding Light, the puke bag may be needed anyway.

FYI...Cloverfield nearly caused a mishap.
BettyCrocker at 10:15 AM on 01/30/08
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@VoxPopuli: Somehow, death threats written in LOLCat are hilarious: "U Can Haz Poizoned Cookie. Oops U Did!!!0!11 LOLZ!11"
msanthropic at 10:17 AM on 01/30/08
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All My Children introduced shaky-cams about a year ago and had to stop by popular demand. Their young-uns have been texting like forever.
edisdead at 10:19 AM on 01/30/08
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at least now we'll know the nausea is from the shakycam and not from the plotlines.
edisdead at 10:19 AM on 01/30/08
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and i say this as a person who was dangerously obsessed with 'days of our lives' in college.
picardia at 10:32 AM on 01/30/08
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All I know is that "All My Children" brought back Jesse and Angie, which means that, after nearly 10 years of soap sobriety, I'm back on the sauce. Steadicam, handheld, slow-motion, silent, I don't care. I need my Jesse and Angie fix.
JojoSaysNo at 10:41 AM on 01/30/08
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Remember when Dr. Marlena Evans was possessed by the devil on Days of Our Lives?

Yeah, me too. That was great.
JojoSaysNo at 10:59 AM on 01/30/08
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The first third of Gaspar Noe's Irreverisble almost made me vomit, but that could just as easily have been seeing a guy's face get pulverized by a fire extinguisher as it could have been the shaky-cam.
PimpMyCouch at 11:06 AM on 01/30/08
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@edisdead: My friends and I started a drinking game during the Sami's-in-a-coma storyline. I'm pretty sure we could still apply it to today's stories.
bess marvin, girl... at 11:10 AM on 01/30/08
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@JojoSaysNo: best storyline in soap opera history.
PrincessKashmir at 11:45 AM on 01/30/08
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@Spirit Fingers: Sadly, the budget has been hit so hard that not even the sanctimonious Bauer BBQ has taken place in the last couple of years. However, they did bring Jonathan AND Bill Lewis back...OK, I need to shut up now. I swear though, I'm not obese!
JojoSaysNo at 11:47 AM on 01/30/08
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@bessmarvingirldetective: Agreed: youtube.com
Spirit Fingers at 12:47 PM on 01/30/08
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@FuturaPerfect: Remember Roxie Shane? I'm not obese either, but damn, those were the good days.

Billy Lewis, wow, no Bauer BBQ, boo.
AuntPeniston at 12:59 PM on 01/30/08
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As far as preposterous soap plots are concerned, nothing can compare with the time the Bennett's house was sucked down into hell on Passions. It's true, though, that Passions is actually too bad to qualify as a soap opera. For christ's sake fans of the sci fi network got pissed when they started showing reruns.
Hez at 01:09 PM on 01/30/08
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@AuntPeniston: The bigger crime was that they took Another World off the air to make room for that dreck. (Well, that is dreck calling the dreck dreck, but...). AW was the number one soap in Canada for thirty years, the place where both LiLo and crazy Anne Heche got their starts, and it got binned in favour of a fucking talking doll... talking doll that has since been cancelled.
AuntPeniston at 01:24 PM on 01/30/08
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@Hez: Not cancelled, actually, but moved EXCLUSIVELY to direct tv. I guess that's as good as cancelled...
Hez at 01:50 PM on 01/30/08
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@AuntPeniston: I wish no malice upon Juliet Mills, but she could never replace Rachel Cory... although the stuff is pretty hopelessly dated when I watch it now on YouTube. (Yes, I'm talking to YOU, Linda Dano.)
Ed at 01:56 PM on 01/30/08
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I used to run home from the bus stop to watch ... not "Dark Shadows" because it was 1987, but "As the World Turns." Julianne Moore as identical cousins! William Fichtner as a repentant rapist! Martha Byrne as Lily! Well, that last one still stands.
DorothyMantooth at 02:48 PM on 01/30/08
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Evs, y'all! Santa Barbara pwned!
PimpMyCouch at 03:36 PM on 01/30/08
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@DorothyMantooth: OMG! I remember Santa Barbara! Eve and the sexy dude...what was his name...
DorothyMantooth at 04:08 PM on 01/30/08
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@PimpMyCouch: Yes!! A Martinez...
Um, Cruz? Maybe?
And young Robin Wright in her pre-Buttercup (and pre-pre-Penn) days!
PimpMyCouch at 04:16 PM on 01/30/08
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@DorothyMantooth: I was thinking Cruz! A Martinez. Hah. I'm going to start referring to myself as P MyCouch.
Wasn't amnesia the worst thing to happen on that show? That and tawdry sex? Tawdry even for soap standards?
DorothyMantooth at 04:41 PM on 01/30/08
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@PimpMyCouch: There was also some, erm... backstabbing? Tawdry backstabbing?
It was only on for, I think, the 4 years I was in high school. I used to come home and watch it over the phone with my best friend and think we constituted the entire viewing audience!

I'm pretty sure I can't remember anything that actually happened on that show... But remember Gina? I randomly saw an episode of Knight Rider (I think) recently, and she was on it! And I kept staring at her, and staring at her, thinking, "Where the HELL do I know her from?" And then I (mistakenly!) cried, "I got it! It's a young Madonna!!"

True story!
Boring story. But true.

Oh! And Mason!! He was awesome!
Yup. Gina and Mason.
PimpMyCouch at 05:10 PM on 01/30/08
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@DorothyMantooth: I remember watching it after school too. All I remember really is Eve and Cruz, and the tawdry sex. I think Eve fell off a balcony at one point.
Speaking of Knight Rider - have you seen the new commercials? It looks soooo lame, but Will Arnett is KITT, and my GOB love knows no bounds.
DorothyMantooth at 07:19 PM on 01/30/08
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@PimpMyCouch: It DOES look so lame! But I, too, will give it a chance for GOB.

And I think I remember that falling off a balcony thing... Vaguely.
PimpMyCouch at 07:34 PM on 01/30/08
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@DorothyMantooth: All of my soap opera memories (save anything after 1991) are pretty foggy. I do remember Patch telling Kayla "Let's go have sex" on Days of Our Lives. That was pretty risque, since it's always "making love" in soap operas. Scandal!
katieee at 07:40 PM on 01/30/08
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Man, I thought this was gonna be about Coronation Street. Get with the UK zeitgeist (of the past 50 years), Josh!
DorothyMantooth at 07:51 PM on 01/30/08
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@PimpMyCouch: What's amazing to me is that I have no idea who Patch is, and I'm pretty sure I never saw the "let's have sex" episode, but I can see Kayla's face in my head clear as day! Like a long-lost friend!
Same for Bo and... Marlena, was it?
And Caliope!! (Or was that Another World?)
Hez at 03:45 AM on 01/31/08
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@katieee: Word. Liam and Leanne: the horror. Discuss.