• Probably panicked that Britney Spears might, through some miracle, actually become a sober functioning human being, the paparazzi started heckling her and her parents, literally making high-pitched jungle animal noises. Some editors thought the paps were infiltrated by actual Crip and Blood gang members, as if that could somehow be worse than their actual behavior.
• With nothing but scraps from the paparazzi, the tabloids became desperate. One UK paper decided, based on looking at a picture of Spears' shirt, that she wasn't wearing a bra and thus was "back to her old tricks." Another saw a picture of Spears' dad carrying a pink wig and decided he was "confiscating" it as part of an image makeover.
• Heath Ledger joke rolled out by Artie Lange in Vegas: "I'm not happy [Ledger] died, but I'll finally get all the roles I was losing to Heath. 'Brokeback Mountain.' I had a great audition. I [bleep]ed the [bleep] out of Jake Gyllenhaal." [NYP]
• Scarlett Johansson is now dating Alanis Morissette's ex, but it looked like she wouldn't have his baby. Unclear what she'd do to him in a theater. [NYP]
• Jay-Z will not hold your hand in front of his girlfriend, even for a stupid Grammy you earned with him. [ShowbizSpy]
• Daily News described horror scene at Fashion Week portable toilets, decided not to go with obvious bulimia jokes.
• Very pregnant Halle Berry even more beautiful and perfect. [TMZ]
• Whitney Houston emerged, apparently sane. [TMZ]
• Paris Hilton's movie was seen by roughly 10 people per theater on its entire opening night. That's a real statistic. [TMZ]
• Lenny Kravitz "almost" became a farmer after four months on a Brazilian farm. For some reason he decided to remain a celebrity and also buy an iPhone. [ShowbizSpy]
• Paul McCartney tells his ex wife he lost $6 million on his world tour. [Gatecrasher]

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