Gawker
Soul diva Aretha Franklin tried to teach everyone about "Respect" forty years ago, but that was before a certain young hussy named Beyoncé Knowles was even born, so now an unschooled Beyoncé has gone and called a singer other than Aretha Franklin a "queen." Oh yes, she did, and as far as anyone can tell Beyoncé is still miraculously alive, probably in hiding somewhere without access to a decent stylist or personal trainer or even her furs. Given the gravity of the situation, Franklin realized it was necessary to issue a statement to the national press reminding everyone that she is the "Queen of Soul" while the hussy Beyoncé is someone who drums up "a cheap shot for controversy." After the jump, video of the impostor queen as introduced at the Grammy Awards by the blasphemous liar Beyoncé.
Comments
Is Franklin sure Beyonce didn't mean "drag queen?"
As someone commented elsewhere, Aretha has pounds and pounds of other things she could be concerned with.
@contradicto: Or maybe Aretha is just being a drama queen. Or maybe Beyonce was just performing her duties as spokeswoman for the Queens Tourism Board. Or maybe Beyonce was implying she is a drone. I always knew she was a man.
Thank you, Aretha, for making my entire week.
Tina Turner is standing by, ready to referee a bitch match in the Thunderdome.
The queen's herald wears gold lamé hot pants?
Ahh, Aretha doesn't like anybody. She's been on the fence about Gladys Knight for over 50 years.
Also Beyonce didn't even mention Franklin in that list of influences. Shame, shame...
what, we finally sock it to ya and you bitch?
@ellagood: Hopefully they'll soon cross this bridge over troubled water.
In a brutal, cosmos-changing response, Aretha has created enough mass that she has managed to harness the moon with her own gravitational pull. Beyonce has Jay Z working on Mars. Because he's from there.
I was half expecting Aretha (who I always want to call Urethra for some reason...) to lay a golden egg during her performance.
@LolCait: The cow jumped over the moon, indeed.
@In Other News...: Not if Master Blaster has anything to say about.
Who rules Bartertown? MasterBlaster, that's who.
@LolCait: Ha-ha-ha, Jay-Z always looks like someone's pointing a gun at him or something.
@lionel-mandrake: We don't need another hero.
@LolCait: 163 minus 64 problems? And Beyonce ain't one. ION, checkin' cheddar like a food inspector.
Hey Dentyne -- she don't remember the queen of soul.
Beyonce's not safe yet - everyone knows Aretha doesn't fly anywhere, so it'll take her a few more days to get there. Once her deluxe tour bus rolls into Hussytown, Beyonce's gonna get it.
I'm not too worried about Tina - she probably can roll with a punch.
Also, is Beyonce morphing into the SNL Maya Rudolph version of herself?
But what about any ameliorating effect of Beyonce's lusciously big thighs in those hot pants at the Grammys, doesn't that count for anything in her favor???
Any good queen will tell you, getting older is a bitch. Sadly, Aretha is younger than Tina and looks about 50 years the worse. Hail Tina!!
@Cosmo Lupertazzi: It did remind me of how much I like a good ham.
Once Aretha's arm works up enough strength and momentum, it'll be Bouncé that ain't standin'...
@VoxPopuli: Yes, Tina, on the other hand, can take a punch or two.
@In Other News...: As the crowd begins to chant..."TWO DIVAS ENTER....ONE DIVA LEAVES!"
I know....I know...too damn obvious.
I've been saying that Beyonce needs her ass handed to her for a long time. It only seems appropriate that Aretha is the one to lay her out.
Beyonce's getup is heinous. It reminds me of when I was little and my mother would do Jane Fonda aerobics in her underwear... while I had friends over. Brutal.
@contradicto:
I doubt if Aretha could jump over a crack in the sidewalk.
P-E-R-S-P-E-C-T-I-V-E, Aretha:
At least it wasn't Whitney.
Bad angle for Beyonce.
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