Unless you're a lesbian couple, how can just detecting semen prove infidelity? For $50 I'm sure it doesn't say who it belongs to, only that it's there.

Also handy to test hotel bedclothes on road trips!

@MercuryPDX: You are not nearly paranoid enough.

@MercuryPDX: Really this only works if you're male, hetero, and are highly paranoid about outside forces fucking with your life. Which is why it was PERFECT for a segment for Fox News.

@Gayyker: But how do you know it's not YOUR OWN SEMEN you're detecting on your wife's panties/sheets/blue Dress?

@MercuryPDX: Well, I'm guessing that's a problem you'll only encounter once. After your wife divorces you for buying fucking Semen Spy in order to falsely accuse her of cheating.

I found semen once. There was at least a gallon of it in my backyard, slowly cooling in the evening sun. I stood silently in front of it, as confused as I was mesmerised. The weakening shafts of pale September light reflected off it, danced within it, creating a myriad of barely perceptible, yet highly sexual, miniature rainbows. I never ordered take-out again.

I think it could be fun for other reasons like semen hunting and other group games.

@VirusWithShoes: But was it there in "30 minutes or less [sic]"?!

@VirusWithShoes: Cream of sum yung guy? Also: incredibly poetic. You're writing my divorce petition.

I'm so glad I'm on the daytime side...

@DorothyMantooth: You mean did it "cum in 30 mins or less [sic]"?

@DorothyMantooth: I think the phrase they used was "He'll come within half an hour". I should've checked the small print, but I'd just finished drinking a lot of orange juice and I wanted to wipe my mouth on a towel.

@contradicto: Thank you. I need the work.

Fun party game: cover yourself in semen spy (make sure to fully coat face, behind the knees, etc.) and go out on the town. At night's end, calculate the square feet of coverage. Compare with your friends, or make a spreadsheet.

Also fun to use on public transportation! (And by "fun," I mean "a lottery of terror!")

@Hez: finding sperm in any public place in general would freak me out, unless it was that one day care swing set, where I can proudly say, "I did that!"

@contradicto: Blowing your load anywhere near a day care swing set is probably breaking more than one law.
Creep-y.

SemenSpy: For the traveler who enjoys shivering in a corner of his hotel room, completely wrapped in plastic.

@contradicto: @guitarsnob: So wrong, but it made me chortle nonetheless.

At least my guilt in laughing at this thread has eclipsed the guilt I felt over the enormous amount of chocolate I just ate.

I missed Cheaters Day? Shit my mistress is going to withhold bj's for a week.

It's not revolutionary if you've been watching Maury for the past five years.

@MercuryPDX:
as a newsman(woman?) i'm sure you can appreciate that FoxNEWS doesn't go around tangling things up with SCIENCE

@ GAYYKER:
you owe me a pack of monitor wipes

I'm gay and single but I'm gonna get one anyway. I smell hijinx... or something.

Laugh it up now, but when I have to start laying people off tens of thousands of people from my Genuine Jism mail-order business because of this damn splooge detector, middle class America will be humming a different tune.
There are some things better left to ignorance.

An orgasm detector would be even better, for women who are weary of answering the question "So, did you come?" fifty times every hour.

@She Blinded Me With Omniscience: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

@She Blinded Me With Omniscience:

If you have to ask, you'll never know. As they say.

@ADismalScience: Commie nomination.

@ADISMALSCIENCE, I hadn't thought about using it in a hotel room. Next trip I'm packing bubble wrap, a gallon of Purell and wet wipes, all handy while I'm sleeping on the desk in the hotel room.

There is probably so much more casual semen than we think.

Places not to use it:
- Your parents' bedroom.
- highway rest stops.
- Hotel and fast-food kitchens.
- Reno, NV.
- Church/Mosque/Synagogue/Other.
- Saunas.
- Garry Shandling's house.

@HiredGoons: Why not Reno? Because our hotels use 40 year old sheets? Meaning, if you sleep in the same dirty motel bed your parents' conceived you on, your head may be resting in a puddle teeming with every other sperm that you swam faster than that day, all the losers that dripped out of your mom, and they might be a little pissed off after 40 years of living on bedspread that hasn't been washed and be ready for vengeance? It's kinda like a family reunion, since my father is passed, but his spunk might be living on. I have to go shoot myself now...

It might be useful for those times when your Taco Bell drivethru order takes longer than it reasonably should.

@guitarsnob: I was soooo kidding

I'd rather watch my significant other get gang-banged by an NBA team than resort to something like this.

Want to save fifty bucks? If the shorts stick to the side of the washer, you have a winner.

@HiredGoons: You forgot:

Your parish priest's upper lip

Chuck E. Cheese

Gym equipment

Steering wheel and seats of "pre-owned" vehicle you're considering

Your great-grandmother

The seat of Anderson Cooper's pants

@gawkimo: So would I. When can I introduce your wife to the Milwaukee Bucks?

@Sarcastro: ... or gentleman buddy of love. Sorry to be so heteronormative.

@Sarcastro: Hell, it could be a girlfriend as well. I'm so caught up in my own martial situation that I'm projecting.

Let's just agree that it would be somewhat appealing to see whoever you're boffing be repeatedly violated by members of the Milwaukee NBA franchise.

"...remove it from the box"? ? ?

Ha ha - This stuff really exists

link: [www.brickhousesecurity.com]

The Brickhouse site is a world-class exercise in paranoia. I'm guessing most of the employees are angry males in wifebeaters who answer the phone with "Where the fuck have you been?"

Daamn Sarcastro: I looks like you gotta thing for the Milwaukee Bucks!

S/he's (just to keep U guessing) more of a Knicks fan, for some reason. (Insert emoticon here.)

@gawkimo: I was going for the play on words, with "Bucks" standing in for "macho gents repeatedly penetrating your loved one."*

*Sarcastro has no affiliation with the city of Milwaukee or its NBA franchise.

Aw, crud. I tried this stuff, and there's, like, this huge wash of semen all around my desk chair, sprayed all over my desk, my computer, all up the wall behind the monitor. God, and just look at my poor cat. I gotta get out more.