At first revolting glance, the Gene Simmons sex tape might seem like the sad ploy of a desperate, B-list celebrity for attention and money. Watch it closely, however, and the black-and-white footage reveals itself as a touching union of two souls, a dance of admiration and tenderness between weary spiritual rebels. Can a washed-up rock-and-roll bassist and an Australian marketing "babe" called Elsa make it in a hostile world when all they've got is a video camera, some pillows shaped like cats — and each other? Will Elsa ever overcome her intimacy issues and kiss Gene? Would Gene rather look at Elsa, or at himself? Either watch the video yourself (NSFW), or follow the drama in this totally-safe-for-work film strip adaptation of the Gene Simmons Sex Tape:
At the start of the tape, we immediately recognize the sounds of Foreigner's 1985 hit, "I Want To Know What Love Is."
I gotta take a little time,
a little time to think things over
I better read between the lines,
in case I need it when I'm older
At this point, Elsa turns her head twice to look at something off screen, just past the bottom-left corner of the bed. The bouquet of roses Gene bought her? Some champagne? A cameraman shouting to get where the camera can see her tits, and fast?
Elsa moves her hands toward Gene's unbuttoned pants, then away, as she again looks toward something off screen. Gene, or his handler, wants to take this slowly, for Elsa to enjoy herself. So he lifts her by the legs, onto her back.Take solace from this crazy world, he seems to be saying.
Then, Gene licks his hand. Elsa is overcome.
Elsa says something, we don't know what. Gene has been touching her for either 20 seconds or a lifetime, and she is ready for that to stop.
Elsa is ready to touch him. Her hands reach out, and Gene pulls her head in closer.
Now this mountain I must climb,
feels like the world upon my shoulders
Through the clouds I see love shine,
it keeps me warm as life grows colder
Elsa is a paid energy drink enthusiast, and that is not hard to believe as she has her way with Simmons.
His hands, meanwhile, are fiddling with something. A cigarette? A second camera? Of course not: protection for his beloved.
Gene comes in closer, and Elsa seems to be saying something to him. They rearrange their bodies. More tender whispers.
Can't stop now, I've travelled so far,
to change this lonely life
I want to know what love is,
I want you to show me
I want to feel what love is,
I know you can show me
Gene and Elsa are one. He comes in for a sweet kiss. Elsa, perhaps being coquettish, turns away.
Gene comes in for another kiss. Elsa taunts him again, turning away.
Gene comes in for a kiss twice more, and twice more Elsa refuses.
Gene says something to Elsa. I like to think it's Auden:
"Easily, my dear, you move, easily your head/And easily as through the leaves of a photograph album I'm led...."
Or perhaps Gene reminds Elsa of the rider in her contract stipulating she will not get paid unless she delivers some snogging. And besides KISS is the name of the fragging band, innit?
After 40 seconds of coupling, a change: Elsa on top. We see Gene's tender bum as bodies shift.
The lovemaking becomes intense. Gene is mouthing passionate words, or maybe chewing gum? Seriously, is that gum? Classy. Th
ings are busy enough that Elsa must kick off her flip-flop sandals.
Gene stares intently at Elsa for a while, but soon becomes distracted. He is looking off, into the distance. Past the lower left corner of the bed, where Elsa looked before.
Is he imaging their future together, a home, a family? Or maybe there's some kind of monitor set up where he can see how he looks on camera?
The video abruptly ends. A minute and ten seconds of tender union have passed.
Gene and Elsa are forever enriched. Things will never be the same for either of them.
I'm gonna take a little time,
a little time to look around me
I've got nowhere left to hide,
it looks like love has finally found me