Britney Spears Has Your Conservatorship Right Here

Britney Spears' stupid dad took away her stupid booze and set her bedtime at stupid 11 o'clock, but he can't make her keep on her underwear, ha ha! Despite having a Vagina Of Freedom, Spears doesn't get to see her sons, even though K-Fed thinks the toddlers would be a more mature influence on the troubled singer than alleged grown men Sam Lufti and Adnan Ghalib.

Amy Winehouse had no idea her husband might have been trading her autographed pictures for heroin, even though he had just been treated in jail for an overdose. She thought it was for cigarettes and so forth! [Showbiz Spy]

U2 threatened a new double album based on their experiences in countries that hate precious American freedoms. [Reuters]

Kirstie Alley will personally teach you to lose weight, probably the insane Scientology way, after she was booted by Jenny Craig. [People]

If TMZ did not exist, who would publish pictures of Pete Doherty's rotting teeth?

Actor Orlando Bloom just slept over at Miranda Kerr's house. Don't deny it, there's video. There, there. Go ahead, let it out. [TMZ]

Here's the new guy who decides if you will get into the Waverly Inn and, wow, he's getting a friendly notice in Page Six! Well played, Posties. Well played.

Alert Homeland Security: J. Lo has entered her ultra-secure, roped-off private maternity wing where no one else is allowed to go, except the elite cyborg guards. Do not look at pregnant J. Lo. Do not think about looking at pregnant J. Lo. Stop. Reading. This. Item. Terrorist. [P6]

Nicolas Cage has the same accountant as Wesley Snipes. [P6]

BREAKING, from the British tabloid the Sun: OMG, Demi Moore continues to age, like some kind of aging freak. (Clue: So does Ashton.) [Sun]

Send an email to Ryan Tate, the author of this post, at ryan@gawker.com.

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Britney Spears Has Your Conservatorship Right Here

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