Katie Holmes May Have Conceived A New Scientology PrinceS

  • Katie Holmes may be pregnant again. Celebrate now, there will be plenty of time to figure out which Scientology God's sperm impregnated her later. [OK!]
  • Britney went to buy some new jeans, probably to accommodate her expanding tummy, and the paparazzi got so frenzied her bodyguard had to manhandle Spears up to vehicle reentry speed to get her through the thick layer of cameramen. Not a single pap thought to plug her meter, and she got a parking ticket, so in apparent retaliation Spears didn't flash a single private part while pulling away from the Levis store.
  • The pap mob got Spears banned from the Beverly Hills Hotel, where she liked to visit and, uh, "meet" with Adnan Ghalib but where they've created an entire training program on how to turn Britney away. The franchise opportunities on those Britney-B-Gone classes are, of course, endless.
  • Britney's sister Jamie Lynn Spears, who minted $1 million just by getting pregnant and selling the press rights, is pretending to think about going to college. College, of course, is how young female celebrities used to ensure their financial security before sex tapes and reality television were invented.
  • His first wife Jessica Sklar left him for Jerry Seinfeld, and now Eric Nederlander is being thrown out of his own home amid a soon-to-be "nasty" divorce from his second wife. They just had a kid seven weeks ago. If it weren't for the piles of family money, you'd almost feel sorry for the guy. [P6]
  • Because Brad Pitt probably got Angelina Jolie pregnant, the spinster Jennifer Aniston was rude to Pitt buddy George Clooney. Then she and Courtney Cox stormed off to go and order her some more "secret admirer" bouquets or whatever. [OK!]
  • Supposedly Mischa Barton from "The OC" was driving with a blood alcohol level of more than 0.8 percent, which, to give you some idea, is approximately what Courtney Love would refer to as "shitfaced problem drinking." Either that or Daily Mail reporters spend so much time on the London "tube" or double decker buses or whatever they never bother to learn that the usual legal driving limit is closer to, say, 0.08 percent.
  • Look, Michael Jackson admitted to sleeping in bed with young boys at his home, Neverland Ranch, and didn't lose the place. He owed tens of millions before and didn't lose the place. He was supposedly going to sell it twice before that, and he never lost the place No one is going to believe Jackson will actually lose Neverland Ranch until they see, with their own eyes, the Elephant Man's skeleton being moved out by a weeping Michael. So stop talking about it.
  • Pars Hilton is looking for roommates. Should make for an amazing Craigslist ad. [P6]