Thanks for the nightmares, Nick.

Of course she wouldn't sleep. She was plotting your demise, foul woman.

Don't print this stuff. I really think it's child abuse.

"I'm Talky Emme... and I'm beginning to hate you."

It will shortly emerge that Dick Cheney (or David Crosby) was the sperm donor.

It's the Omen baby.

Don't get fooled by the evil, devil eyes that I got, I'm still Emme from around the block.

That baby scared me! Spit and image of her spooky Daddy, but reminiscent of the Omen.

Also...in that spread, Mark is looking better than he's ever. Looked. Before. Less like a heroin addict.

Most definitely tons of photo manipulation before approval for publishing.

No worries. Suri will protect us all from her.

This is merely the first recorded moment of many in which she is caught thinking "What the hell am I doing here with these people?"

So many Marc Anthony cadaver genes...so few hottest woman alive genes. Guess you prayed the wrong novena, J-Lo.

She wouldn't sleep because she has to stay awake and gather the souls of....oh yeah, no souls in that household.

Poor thing! Can you imagine living up to such a Diva Mom? It's like being one of Michael Jordan's kids - they'll never live up to the hype. As for People, this was easily their nadir.

I found the whole array of photos creepy as in the tradition of the UK's "Hello".

Awww... She looks like she's already planning to grow up, get a PhD in something neither of her parents will understand, live in a research lab, and never ever so much as brush her hair.

@BullfightsOnAcid: Ha!

(J.Lo's weave looks beat.)

J.Lo.

J.Lo.

J.LO!

(Say it three times in a mirror and she'll come to kill you.)

dead shark eyes = scary

I'z wid ur celebridies... plotting your destruction

She IS a "secret" Scientologist, folks...if she grows up looking similar to Suri, I think we'll know that they're starting to manufacture these "kids."

what did you expect from the spawn of Skeletar?

Must get lawyer. Must sue Mommy for my share of photo money. Must haunt the living for all of my days. (burp)

@J.D.Regent: Exactly. She has her father's cadaver eyes.

I hate those stupid names. Why do people have to include the names of their deceased relatives? I'm a junior and don't use it because it's dumb. Where's the imagination?

"Mommy and Daddy better give me my fucking cut."

@Cheap Shot: Well, Jews do it out of honor...what assholes, right!?

"I'm your accessory for now, Mom, but just wait until I grow into my powers...then you'll be sorry."

@Cheap Shot: How about Cheap Shot, the Second? Sounds ritzy!

It's fucking Pinhead.... Everyone out of the fucking pool!

Oh it's on now Scientology! When the Cenobite spawn with the golden lungs of J.Lo belts out the song of Doomsday, you'll all be moving your asses to hell along with it's salsa beat.

Madonna's first born will be her future mentor.
Tullulah Willis is prepping the Drew Barrymore tween-rehab for them both.

Is she already in the works designing sexy hot pink thong diapers for them with little gold JLo charms? The matching puffer jackets are gonna be so hot to death.

Wow, does Emme look like Daddy. No wonder Max kept his eyes closed.

That child is "On the 666". (It's a joke combining a JLO song as well as a reference to Satan.)

My eyes would be open at all times too if my dad was a vampire constantly looking at my chubby nubile bebeh limbs with evil intent.

That baby is tweaking me out. WHY DOESN'T IT HAVE PUPILS? Or is it just pupils?

I wonder if Hennifer Lopez from South Park suddenly found two tiny little fists trailing her everywhere, eating tiny tiny tacos.

First I played with Mommy. Now I want to play with you!

@CodePink: Get wrong

A Changeling!

Fuck you, J.Lo, for pooping out your kids on MY birthday.

I'm surprised she didn't eat her brother in the womb.

@Cheap Shot: Actually, the names "Max" and "Emme" were apparently lifted from "Dragon Tales," one of my seven-year-old's favorite PBS shows. Are you happy now?

Incidentally, this picture would have been much worse if the other child's eyes were open, for they are the color of fire, show no sign of innocence, and ooze malice.

but does Emme like tacos y burritos?

Unfortunately, it's evident that JLo's husband, a direct descendant of Skeletor, has the more dominant genes.

Another creepy thing if you look at the spread...check out Marc's toes in the barefoot shot. He's got hairy toes.
Yuck.

This photo spread was the creepiest thing ever. There is no need for a photo of Marc Anthony's BARE FEET to be printed in a national magazine. Also, those are dead plastic baby dolls.

@rod: Suri's first full sentence: "It's like when you're in daycare and Emme has an accident in her Talbot's Kid's jumper, and you know that because you're a Scientologist, you're the only one who can help."

and does she have taco flavored keeeeses for her Ben?

Didn't I see on the red carpet once in that same gown?

What color are the other kid's eyes? Glowing red?

They look kind of like those ceramic keepsake one-of-a-kind commemorative dolls you can buy in such quality publications as Parade.

This girl was clearly spawned in Jim Henson's Creature Shop. No wonder she can't sleep.

Nick, I am not making fun of babies.

@JinxyMcDeath: Yes I know it's out of honor but your dead relatives will never know and I thought Jews just used names from the old testament. Jonah. Jonas, Lucas, Josh etc. whatever.

@hamburgerhotdog: Oh si si si!! That makes me muy happy. The tacos come out their backside too chulo!

Emme kind of looks like a grown-up.

@Cheap Shot: don't go hatin' on that! I like that tradition when it's nice and well-deserved.... and who said anything about it being "for the dead relative"? Chances are the relative is still alive in which case he/she IS honored and if not, then it's not for the dead relative but for YOU, for you to remember that dead person and see them perhaps mistakenly, through the life of this new being.

End of tirade--- Resuming Henifer Hropes persona.

don be fooled by all my moneiii, I still laike to eat tacossss honeiiii

@Henifer Hropes: Are there tiny little fist diapers? Si?

And these are the images after Photoshop.

@hamburgerhotdog: Si, si siiiiiii!

As one who was, in fact, fooled by the "rocks" obtained by Ms. Lopez, I refuse to believe her continued assertion that she remains "Jenny" from the rectangular area comprising her home environs. I advise Ms. Anthony to exercise similar caution.

@BalknChain: Ok, just make fun of J. Lo and that cadaver she married then.

$6M for photos of kids that, sadly, look just like their father.

BOth kids look like grown ups. That poor Emme has her daddy's schnoz and so does Max. Max looks like a 40 year old man and Emme has creepy eyes..

That picture did scare me, now that I think about it. She looks like Spawn of Chucky.