Hey, Happy 85th Birthday Sumner Redstone! Sure, you don't turn 85 until next month, but the Times already has a gift in the form of a long story on how much you suck at relating to other human beings and are a crazy old man who should probably think about retiring. It has your feud with movie star Tom Cruise (reportedly patched up, not that they mention that); the thing where you fired Viacom CEO Tom Freston and badmouthed him on Charlie Rose; some nephew who is after his share of your empire and your daughter Shari, non-executive vice chairman at Viacom, who is fighting with you over corporate governance and who you are still trash talking, according to the Times:

Their sparring has been uncomfortable for Mr. Redstone's friends and executives, and he frequently, at dinners and business meetings, has used abusive language toward his daughter, said one person who has been present during such incidents.

And yet you're not really trying to oust the belligerent daughter - odd. Senile old man odd.

Meanwhile, the value of Viacom, where you are chairman, has fallen by about one-fifth, to $41 billion. Your plan to split the company in two does not seem to be paying any dividends. Viacom's CBS is about to fall behind Fox as the top U.S. TV network.

Everyone keeps asking you, in a roundabout way, who will succeed you. And you keep talking about how hard you work out and how well you eat.

Way to keep everyone tortured. You must enjoy it, crazy old bag.