In today's Salon, Heather Havrilesky writes about The O.C. and Friday Night Lights and other shows I will never watch. But she opens with a fascinating and disturbing reminiscence of how she used to horribly mistreat a child's most precious possessions. "When my sister and I were kids, we made our Star Wars action figures go on dates with each other. First we'd take turns picking our favorite action figures, then we'd set up 'apartments' for each of them. (We knew from 'Three's Company' that single people always lived in apartments.) Next, Luke would knock on Leia's door, but she'd usually say she was busy or had to wash her hair, because she secretly wanted to go out with Mark (that was the hunkier 'Empire Strikes Back' version of Luke) or Harrison (the hunky 'Empire Strikes Back' Han Solo)." More of her sinister molestations after the jump.

"Finally, once everyone went on dates and kissed good night and went on dates again without any broken hearts or unexpected pregnancies, we needed to mix things up a little. So Mark would dump Leia for Bespin Leia (the fancy 'Empire Strikes Back' Leia who Lando said truly belonged with them 'among the clouds' of Bespin City), and Bespin Leia would cheat on Mark with Harrison, or Luke would start stalking Carrie ('Empire Strikes Back' Leia in 'Hoth' garb)."

Okay, just a damned minute. If you realize that Leia came in both "Hoth" and "Bespin" outfits, why do you insist on dismissing Han and Luke in their Bespin outfits as "Hunkier 'Empire Strikes Back' version[s]"? But I digress...

"But even with so much drama and intrigue in the air, the second we started to mix and match the couples, we'd quickly begin to lose interest in the game. Who cared if Bespin Leia dated Mark then Luke then Harrison then Luke again, really? After a while, the relationships felt arbitrary, and sometimes Leia would elope with Chewbacca just to piss everyone off." [Salon]

Now that tears it. She has the heros of the Battle of Yavin running around like stinking Barbie dolls and tops it off with flagrant anti-Wookieeism. From now on, girls may play with Bratz dolls, Hula-hoops, and each other's hair.