Gawker
Joshua David Stein is back briefly to talk about Bravo's Top Chef whose seventh episode aired last night.
In the last episode of Top Chef I watched on live television, Zoi the Meanish Lesbian got booted off. Since then I heard that Pretty Boy was ousted too which isn't a big loss to anyone since he couldn't cook and could barely talk. He was all shim-sham and snake oil charm. Last night's episode, however, was particularly notable for its strong lesbian plotline (gay tension has been done before but between men) and the particularly weird phallic imagery. Also, Betrayal! Truth! Consequences! Asparagus!
I always kind of liked Jennifer, the shorter mohawked girlfriend of Zoi the Boi. She seemed down to earth in a Northern California way. She seemed loyal, consistently standing up for her girlfriend. And she seemed like a great chef. Something bad happened though between the point where Zoi was sent home and last night, when Jennifer teamed up with similarly tolerable Stephanie in yet another ree ree challenge: The contestants were forced to cook according to the shouted out suggestions of Second City Theatre goers. Improv crowds are, as anyone who has walked by the UCB theatre at around 7:00 pm on a Sunday night knows, are not the coolest lot. Anyway, the girls got, if I recall correctly, the words: Turned-On, Orange, and Asparagus. But what the girls really got was incredibly flirtatious.
It all started with an errant shot at the Second City Theatre. Jennifer's arm was casually draped around Stephanie's broad shoulders. Jennifer through her dork hot indie glasses was looking at Stephanie with a look of love, lust and respect we had previously only seen on her face when she gazed at Zoi. But Zoi was out and the need for emotional intimacy trumped whatever qualms Jennifer had about openly pursuing a Sapphic and adulterous dalliance on national television which surely her girlfriend was watching. So the flirtation continued, communicated to us viewers at home by bite-sized cuts of handslapping, smiles, and warmth. An astute observer of Bravo's latent morality couldn't help but suspect that Jennifer would be axed for her infidelity. She, of course, was.
The most interesting part, at least to me, of the reason why she was exiled was that the two women (one openly gay, the other unopenly ungay or openly ungay or something) created an explicitly phallic dish. The germane phrase was turned-on. There's no reason why they had to choose a phallus—-culinarily expressed as a piece of flaccid bread and a wilty spear of asparagus—instead of say a clitoris to be the turned-on element. This is a particular bitter morsel in the history of sexual inequality in terms of gratification. Why a lesbian would forsake her own sex in this context for a man is unfathomable. I guess it would be hard to express the sex that is not one on a plate. But crafting a menage a trois of goat cheese, crouton and asparagus whilst focusing exclusively on the phallus seems to undo as many decades of feminist thought as Dale's insipid stereotype of male homosexuality did in the last season. The real question is whether Jennifer got booted off for betraying her girlfriend or for betraying her entire sex.
Comments
She was eliminated for commenting while packing her knives post-challenge that her doing so was an omen of what was to come.
Jennifer, I like you and I wish both Polish-sausage-haters had been kicked off the show last night even though one of them is named Antonia, which is a beautiful-sounding thing to be called.
Wow. It's like we watched two different shows. I didn't get any of that. It was a positively sunny episode overall with everyone being bestest friends. I really think they fucked up by booting Jennifer. It should have been one of the polish sausage bitches. The more foul mouthed, negative one. What's her face.
@mathnet: Yes! I think the one that isn't Antonia should have gone. What a whiny turd.
@mathnet: There is nothing so Polish or sausage-y Chilean fish.
This brought me a surprising amount of joy. Your work here has been missed, Josh, and I thank Denton for paying you nothing to come back and recap.
@mathnet: I have grown to love Antonia, just for her name, and I am ready for the Aussie to go home. Also, everybody is starting to look alike.
FYI: Ted Allen is not Polish, everybody. But he is gay!!
@karion: Yeah, the Aussie is nigh elimination. In fact, he and his partner (ugh - I can't remember any names) were really the JV squad. I think they're the worst two on the show, technically. And it looks like Dundee flips out a little next week.
@mathnet: Polish people are gay.
@karion: Yes - thanks Josh!
This episode depressed the bacon out of me for some reason.
I'm also tired of Lisa's eyebrow piercing.
@Richard: AS. Sheesh.
@karion: @fiveinchtaint: He's a Kiwi, people, and it is a totally different thing when he makes shrimp-on-the-barbie jokes.
Gawd, Antonia. She needs to go awizzay.
Can someone at Gawker HQ go downstairs to Public and see if Mark the Aussie is still working there? Expense it.
@karion: Thank you! It's a pleasure being back for this! And yes, Lisa is the worst. She's such a bitter hag. Her whole "I'm not going to cook what some drunk assholes call out" shtick is elitist and a poor mask for her inability to cook a sausage. And her face! Aiee!!
@fileunder:
"Mark the Kiwi," sorry.
The mental one? Was mental in a more pleasant, positive-attitude way last night so I didn't focus as much negative energy on him as I usual do, which meant that Spike received more than his typical dose of my aslghlashghdgl hatred.
I think you're all forgetting the real star of the night: Dale's Halo-Halo. As a New York Jewish Filipino possible queer who worked on a previous season of Top Chef I'm uniquely qualified in saying that Dale rocks.
usualLY, Richard.
@MrMisterJ: I can't wait for the episode where they reveal to you whether or not you're gay!
@fiveinchtaint: Yeah! Someone persuaded me to watch this show for the very first time -- ever! -- last night, and I gotta say that I was expecting a helluva lot more cattiness and shit, considering what I had read (okay, skimmed) here.
Also, I simply cannot understand how anyone could not love Polish sausage! If there is one refrain that I am most known for uttering, it's that I love me some tubed meats.
@MrMisterJ: Whatever that stuff was, it looked so freakin' good!! Oh! The pisctachios on top? My goodness.
@Richard:well the nazi's invaded Poland then escaped to countries like Chili where Kevin Bacon once shot part of movie!
Can someone go back and see what we predicted for the final 3? It's gotta be Richard, Dale and Stephanie.
@mathnet: Kiwi, Aussie. Is there really a difference? I think NZ is just more quaint as evident in Babe.
@fiveinchtaint: Lisa. Such a whiner.
When Kevin Bacon's great-grandfather came over on the boat he had to change his last name, which was originally Pancetta.
You guys missed the best part: Those poor people doing two shows a night at Second City in hopes of becoming the next Rachel Dratch got a free meal.
@DorothyMantooth: Well it is certainly no Rock of Love but if you're into the whole cooking and eating thing, it's the best game in town. Way better than Hell's Kitchen - more focus on cooking and less on bullshit.
@fiveinchtaint: Ha ha.
"You're thinking of Australians, not New Zealanders."
"Yah, but the accent sounds really the same."
"No, not at all. They're all like 'Weeyyyiirs the caaaawwwr' and we're all like 'weeyyyyiirs the caaaawwr'"
@TedSez: You're right, and those menage a trois/orgy jokes were so so funny!
I really liked Jen (a lot more than generally whiny Zoi). I was shocked that she was kicked off. The shit that Antonia and the other one pulled with the Polish sausage was ridiculous. Lisa? Is that her name? No go. She keeps talking about how she won't dumb down her food. Have you watched "Top Chef" before, lady? Do you know what this show is about? Richard is burning through this competition because he is willing to adapt to everything -- leading groups, making pastries, not chem-ing everything up. That's why he's going to win, and that's why Lisa's attitude is going send her and her knives a-packin.
@fiveinchtaint: I still say that none of these shows have got anything on the original Iron Chef. THAT was a cooking and eating show.
@fiveinchtaint:
I think that is exactly who Josh picked. I can't imagine any other scenario.
Also, Jen was actually adorable in this episode. Almost distracted me from Tom.
Oh, and Padma is obvs using red scar makeup now because that shit was extra gruesome last night.
I loved Jennifer's exit. She said something like "Cook your flavors!" and then walked out of the Glad family of products green room backwards with her fist in the air.
@mathnet: Antonia, which is a beautiful-sounding thing to be called.
I agree. Expecially when Padma says it with her beautiful voice.
The most beautiful-sounding thing of all will happen when Padma croons, "Antonia, please pack your knives and go."
I really liked Jen, too. In fact as of last night, before she got the boot, she was about to edge out Jackie Warner on my list of "Women I Would Switch Teams For." Now it'll just be me, the memories, and Mary J Blige.
@karion: @fiveinchtaint: Wow, they are!
@Pope John Peeps II: Ha! How did that escape me?
@karion: Richard is a ringer. He's Top Chef's David Archuleta.
@DorothyMantooth: Fabulous show. The American version just isn't the same.
@Pope John Peeps II: I forget, which ones are convicts and which ones are hobbits?
Jennifer's real problem is that she has the same stupid-looking fauxhawk that Richard does.
And there just wasn't room on this show for two identical, stupid-looking fauxhawks. Especially since the guy with one of them may win this thing.
@Chief Wahoo: Australians are the ones descended from convicts and retarded monkeys.
Man, what a show.
@fiveinchtaint: The American version is crap.
I really wish I paid attention to who everybody was last night so I could actually contribute something...
I liked the dude who made the soup.
@karion: So what is this "Jen is adorable" phenomenon? Before last night, I was kind of indifferent to her. Then, as soon as the opening credits were over I was all "gosh she has beautiful skin... what a nice voice," etc etc. Is Bravo really that subtly manipulative?
(I mean I believe they are manipulative, obviously, but usually we notice.)
@minou: I would consider going lezebel for Jen. I just dug her spirit, corny as that sounds.
@minou: Holy shit. Bravo is trying to TURN ME GAY.
And another thing! When Padma's face changed upon hearing that the drunken magenta dish included chorizo instead of Polish sausage, I felt a chilllll.
By the way, I think it's a "Sapphic" morality play.
Oh my god it's working.