The only person rooting for Paris to have kids is Britney, so that she can look like the world's best mom by comparison.

oh good, so we've gone from fucking matt damon to being taught pre-calc by him while he ogles us quietly from the front of the classroom.

He looks like the guy who'd call McDonald's to place our order while we rolled 20-sided die and looked up the rules for paladins.

Amy Winehouse would make an infinitely better mother than Paris Hilton. Hopefully Paris' kid will rebel by being really modest, intelligent, and classy. But genetics and fetal alcohol syndrome will make this next to impossible.

* Children aren't accessories, they're an emergency food supply m'kay?
* Green-furred, garbage-dwelling puppet for Amy!
* Jen, hon, do you realize you're making out with this by extension? Really? Well if you don't care than we don't.
* If 50% of the major cast members are naked for the movie, I may actually have to watch it! Ooooooh...well shit.
* Proof that kinky is more likable than fucking insane.
* But Mr. Damon, I swear my dog ate it!

@valarmorghulis: Making out with John Mayer is bad enough on its own. Poor Jen. Poor Jen's tongue and other tainted body parts.

@Koreanish: Dude, what McDonalds lets you order over the phone? Because I want to move close to that one.

Can we send Paris to Burma ASAP please?!

Nice kicker to the SATC piece, Ryan!

Paris'll get hers the first time she leaves her kids with the nanny to go out partying, and gets knocked on her ass by the Invisible Fence.

Dear Paris,

Don't.

Ever.

Love & Bubbles,
RMHMH

There's no way the umpteen diseases living in Paris' nether region haven't ravaged her ovaries and shredded her uterus, leaving nothing more than bloody pile of human waste. If there's a God in heaven, they've done their job and she is infertile.

Matt Damon = Ned Flanders

Anniston/Mayer: doomed.

My first thought was that I'd gladly give Paris the conception and child that she so badly wants; all that I ask in return is that she gives me her STDs.

UPDATE: I looked up STDs and found out that Salads, Turkeys, Donuts isn't the real meaning of it. No thanks Paris.

@Calitri: I don't know about that. It seems to me that famous ladies' lady-parts are quite resilient and fertile. See "Moss, Kate," "Lee-Anderson, Pam" and "Man, Pregnant."

@Nard38: Yeah, I know. It's like they're superhuman or something. Maybe not really human at all. Who knows? Even the herpes doesn't know what to make of her.

I'm just trying to be optimistic. 'Tis a fool's errand but whatever.

If you squint one eye while picking your nose, this says that SJP made a mustachioed baby smoke crack in the her new movie while Jen Aniston licked an unknown animal.
See the wonderful things alcohol can do for you!

@whoneedslight: So true!

@whoneedslight: Whoa, that is it exactly.

There is nothing hilarious about the Winehouse arrest.
Except that the freaking prison is named Limehouse.
Maybe she got to go to Amy's Cafe afterwards too.

I firmly believe that the only way another human could live inside Paris Hilton is if they hollowed out her steaming entrails and crawled inside her for warmth, like how Han Solo might crawl into a ton-ton on the frozen planet Hoth.

miasma-protege..sounds like a mid 80's prog band..
@miasma-protege:

Paris does realize that she can't just pick up a baby at a store, right? Just because you got little mr. fluffynutcakes at a store called "pets r us" doesn't mean they do the same at "Babies r us."

@miasma-protege: it wouldn't have to be human

@Pithmaster:
Yes, complete with kimonos, long nails, soft yellow foods. Maybe something along the lines of Geddy Lee?

@Goober_Pea: zomg oh noes ... what if she tries to adopt from one of those countries where apparently you can get babies as if they were babies r us

(no disrespect to adopters, but the tales of babystealing and babyselling to feed the overseas adoption market are heartbreaking all the way around)

...that's hoth!@miasma-protege:

Paris will have a lot of taxidermied-mid-suffering-in-the-throes-of-death-animals left over to share with her children.
Amy had the munchies, shut up!
Jen A. just threw up a little in Perez's mouth through John Mayer's mouth and Brad Pitt tasted it.

you just described Peter Gabriel..@miasma-protege:

@Pithmaster:
Nothing says prog like a codpiece and a Paris Hilton skin-cape.

What else can she do at this point?

jeezus..more stars flying here than a Chuck Norris movie..

@if_i_only_had_a_heart: But that might require her to actually interact with someone from another culture.

@Buzz Killington: at the mcdonalds on first ave in the east village, you can order of the internet! not that i've ever done it

I wouldn't worry about her having a child that much, any attempt she makes would be blocked by the Kuato-like mutant she has growing out of her vagina.

@Goober_Pea: i'm sure she has people for that

@if_i_only_had_a_heart: It would be sort of priceless to see the heir to the Hilton fortune be a little African or Asian kid.

Given the clothes SJP has to wear for Sex & The City this is hardly a good thing. Kristin Davis, however, got dicked, because Charlotte was always dressed well. But she did get to keep the clothes from the show.

@Buzz Killington: That was in South Portland, ME.

@Goober_Pea: yes indeed ...