World's Sanest Family Seeks New Thetan

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are supposedly in the market for another screamless Scientology birth. [E!]
Paris Hilton isn't engaged to singer Benji Madden, she's just wearing those two diamond bands on her ring finger in an effort to look extremely desperate. She also claimed, "I cook great lasagna," which pesumably involves toggling between 30, 50 and 100 percent power on the microwave when the Stouffer's is in there. [People]
Liv Tyler is separating from her husband Royston Langdon, a British musician. [People]
Defeated American Idol contestant Jason Castro on forgetting lyrics on camera: "I definitely did not do that on purpose." [ET]
Ashlee Simpson calls fellow singer Britney Spears a "trashy girl" on an excruciating celebrity talk show improbably run by Nokia. Also, apparently a "Britney Spears" is code for "a beer" in some parts of the world. [Sun]
That painting of actor Heath Ledger, for which he posed just prior to his death, won the people's choice award at the Archibald Prize Exhibition in Australia, where the painter lives. [People]

6:11 AM on Fri May 9 2008
By Ryan Tate
1,517 views
19 comments

Comments

SarahHeartburn at 06:49 AM on 05/09/08
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Cockney rhyming slang, Spears to beers...

[en.wikipedia.org]
Buzz Killington at 07:00 AM on 05/09/08
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Royston Langdon is a pretty awesome name, actually.
Sailor at 07:33 AM on 05/09/08
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But he burned that spliff on purpose.
$Image of I Don\'t Get It$ I Don't Get It at 07:39 AM on 05/09/08
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Royston refused to learn Elvish. It was bound to fail.
$Image of I Don\'t Get It$ I Don't Get It at 07:44 AM on 05/09/08
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@SarahHeartburn: Too many spears is bad. It can make one wallace and gromit.
Bell County at 07:46 AM on 05/09/08
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Ideal birthing conditions for Tom:
1. No music or other distractions.
2. The mother does not make any vocal noises or sudden movements.
3. The mother smiles gratefully, does not break eye contact.
4. Instead of a baby, the mother has a penis.
5. Xenu brings cigars!
EvidenceOfAbsence at 07:55 AM on 05/09/08
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@SarahHeartburn: But can I get away with saying Blue's Clues instead of Tom Cruise?

Booze cruise? Marital ruse? Xe-nus?
SarahHeartburn at 08:44 AM on 05/09/08
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@EvidenceOfAbsence: Aplomb Ruse.
Koreanish at 09:03 AM on 05/09/08
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What's up with Crazy-Eyes Holmes?
NinaHagen at 09:07 AM on 05/09/08
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@Koreanish: She ran into the door on the spaceship.
mitchel_stevens at 09:07 AM on 05/09/08
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@Koreanish:
she's clearly seen the goods.
Koreanish at 09:12 AM on 05/09/08
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@NinaHagen: @mitchel_stevens: I think Xenu is inside her right there. Right there!!!
fiveinchtaint at 09:15 AM on 05/09/08
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@Buzz Killington: His dumping was inevitable. Spacehog had one crap single in 1995. Liv has been living the poor sod's version of Gwyneth's life. That's embarrassing. I'm sure her publicist is blowing a lot of coke in celebration.
NinaHagen at 09:16 AM on 05/09/08
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@Koreanish: My God, he's got a chain around her tit - some help her...
SarahHeartburn at 09:23 AM on 05/09/08
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@NinaHagen: Worse, it looks like Posh has been doing her hair and makeup.
AndSheSaid at 09:24 AM on 05/09/08
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@I Don't Get It: nice.
Sarcastro at 09:31 AM on 05/09/08
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What woman doesn't want a spouse who can giver her oral pleasure* while both are standing up?

*if Xenuologists do that sort of thing
NinaHagen at 09:53 AM on 05/09/08
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@SarahHeartburn: SO sick of the bob - and the plastic/fantastic face.
Tammany_Fall at 01:09 PM on 05/09/08
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@NinaHagen: Seems that Stepford has updated their software.