At this point in Jessica Simpson’s sad, sad career, it’s become clear that her only chance of making headlines is by sleeping with a new guy, getting dumped by that new guy, or whining over one of the many guys who’ve dumped and/or slept with her. As we learned this week, her most recent conquest — QB Tony Romo, who Jessica called “her future husband” in Glamour’s March issue before admitting that “this article could come out and Tony and I could be broken up” — rid himself of the Game Day Curse just as her ex-fling John Mayer was popping up all over the weeklies swapping spit with Jennifer Aniston and her fembot nips. Naturally, Jessica reacted by drinking herself silly and, we presume, making several late-night calls to her Dadager, Papa Joe, requesting her next romantic PR stunt stat. So the question is: which lucky bachelors will Joe
pay off set her up with this time to guarantee continuous coverage of his darling daughter? Our suggestions, after the jump.
Chase Crawford: Very worthy choice. Couple those gay rumors with his preference for blonde beards from the South, and it's a magic match in PR heaven.
Owen Wilson: Also a wise decision, though Joe would break the bank nabbing the Stallion. Also a blonde fan, Wilson is currently on the lookout for a Kate Hudson replacement and, if Jess is lucky, Wilson will relapse weeks into their depressing union, ensuring her distressed mug appears in the press for weeks.
Pete Wentz: Easy access, for sure. Both incestuous and sensational, Joe could always find a baby from whichever celebrity adoption agency delivered Suri Cruise to TomKat, and claim Pete is the father to not one, but both of his toothy princesses.
Sam Ronson: Sam is always available for the part of wingwoman, and the fits Lindsay would cause in the press would go on for months.
[Photo credits: Getty, Wireimage]