Oprah Winfrey Has A New Diet Plan In Which She'll Save Animals' Lives And Promptly Go Insane

It’s that time of the month year again! Oprah Winfrey, frequent flier on the countless and very public weight watching rollercoaster, has decided to turn her oft-used diet switch into On mode one more time. And the newest attempt at shedding pounds may be her kookiest plan yet, which Oprah says was inspired by a book called Quantum Wellness in addition to online sessions with a motivational speaker. Yes, these days those loud-mouthed mood boosters can motivate you without having to actually speak at all! So how will Winfrey rise to the get-slim-quick occasion this go-round? With tasty delights like mouth-watering tempeh and and positively sinful wheat-free crepes:

Back in 2004, Oprah credited very basic rules like "no white stuff" and the standard "drink lots of water!" approach to her admittedly trim figure as she turned 50. But apparently Oprah hasn't seen as much change as she'd like, and has chosen a far more rigorous plan this time: a 21-day detox program in which she'll not only save the animals, but give up "sugar, gluten, alcohol, meat, chicken, fish, eggs, cheese." Just like Oprah, we had to wonder, "What's left?" And the answers aren't pretty. As Winfrey blogged recently, "I can honestly say every meal was a surprise and a delight, beginning with breakfast – strawberry rhubarb wheat-free crepes." But despite her gung-ho attitude and apparent dedication, even Oprah doesn't sound so sure this fierce change in her regimen will be a guaranteed success story: "Don't know if I'm going to feel better or worse, but I'm willing to try to see if my body at least feels differently." We're not sure about her, but if we had to spend three weeks off the bottle, we'd certainly feel it — catatonic messes we may be, but "different" for sure!