Are you related to someone famous who doesn’t really speak to you anymore? Do you have a dreadfully boring home life and children you constantly ignore? Have you collected an obscene number of pets, which constantly crap all over your house? Then you should call E! because that’s exactly what they’re into nowadays. On a day meant to honor the heroes who have protected our country, last night’s series premieres of Denise Richards: It’s Complicated and Living Lohan showed just how little there is left to protect.
First up was It’s Complicated (spoiler alert: it’s not), which begins with a title sequence that calls Richards a bitch and a husband stealer and then attempts to prove those assessments wrong. Maybe they are, maybe they aren’t — all we know that is that by the second episode, we hope the producers can add a few more colorful descriptions of Denise into the opening credits. For starters, let's try chronically unemployed, negligent parent and self-obsessed brat. When she gushes in the show that people only know her as the Bond girl and the girl from Wild Things, one is tempted to reach through the screen and shake the delusion out of her skinny bones. Denise, nobody remembers you as a Bond girl, and showing your tits a decade ago isn’t exactly a resumé.
But Richards does have her angle: She used to be married to Charlie Sheen. Once upon a time, there was no way to make money just from being someone’s skanky old fish-faced ex. But Richards has found it, and all the pre-show hype has only helped her claw her way back into the spotlight. There were Sheen’s failed attempts to keep his children from being exploited on the show (which Richards executive produces, natch). Then came yesterday’s aptly-timed MSNBC report, where Richards claims Sheen recently left her a voicemail message saying, “I hope you and your worthless retarded father get cancer and join your stupid mom. Rot in hell you (bleeping) whore.” But don’t get excited; that message is ten times more interesting than anything in this half-hour snoozapalooza.
Next came Living Lohan, which we’re pretty sure had the working title The Creepy Blond Pimp, Lindsay #2 and Some Boy Who May or May Not Be Part of the Family. After the opening of the premiere episode (again, shots of dogs defecating on rugs - a reality TV fascination, for which we still have the Osbournes to blame) the story followed the burgeoning career of Lindsay Lohan’s little sister
Ashlee Simpson Ali Lohan. Like Denise Richards, the Lohans seem to spend an inordinate amount of time researching themselves online. Where Denise “finds” a list of semi-famous men she’s dated and wants to brag about, Dina Lohan discovers a picture of her daughter Lindsay giving someone a blowjob. While Dina goes into media attack mode, fourteen-year-old Ali stares at the computer screen, as if she has seen her own fate. And she loves it.