What Harper’s Bazaar Wants You to Know About George Clooney’s Girlfriend

In the next issue of Harper's Bazaar, George Clooney's sand-loving girlfriend Sarah Larson gets the profile treatment. What follows is a list of things we learned by reading it:
· Sarah Larson was once on Fear Factor, where her crowning achievement was “eating” a scorpion. (When, in fact, she put it in her mouth then spit it into a bucket, which one can only assume is how she eats all her food.)

· She toured the country following the band Phish, making bracelets and sandwiches to trade for gas money. (Although Harper’s fails to mention what she traded for spending money.)

· She studied microbiology (pot?) at Evergreen State College (pot school) and worked in the school’s lab (presumably making pot).

· In 2002, Larson moved to Las Vegas to be close to her ailing father. Who lived in Palm Springs. 300 miles away. Because family's always there when you need them, sort of.

· After working at a homeopathic medical company (need I say pot?), Larson “discovered” that she could make a lot more money working at the Playboy Club. Yes, just as Columbus discovered the New World, so Sarah Larson discovered that jiggling her junk pays well: "It's funny, you go into cocktailing and you're making a thousand dollars a night.” Yeah, that’s what they call it.... cocktailing.....

· Larson had a boyfriend when she first met Clooney (apparently while cocktailing) but had totally lost that chump by the time she tracked Clooney down at the Vegas premiere of Ocean’s Thirteen in 2007. Hooray for happy accidents.

· She was attracted to Clooney because of his work in Darfur. Not his wealth, or fame, or good looks. All she could think about while wrapping her cooch around a pole in Vegas was, “I just want a man who cares about the struggle of the Sudanese people.”

· George has introduced Her Arm Candiness to the Dalai Lama. We’re sure the holy one took well to, “Cool robe thingie. It looks yellow, but it’s kinda orange too. Do you like Rock of Love?”

· She was scared to leave behind a steady income as a cocktail waitress to focus on modeling. Because giving up your shitty job can be tough when a movie star’s taking care of you. And at almost 30, it’s never too late to pick up a career like modelling, right?

· Larson has taken to following The Secret to get what she wants out of life. Hopefully there’s a chapter about nailing down your movie star boyfriend before he gets bored and puts you back on the plexiglass stripper platform where he found you.