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Meet Andy Fiscella. Andy owns the Lohan- and Dunst-infested Crown Bar, as well as the Dime and Winston’s. Andy’s likes include: brown corduroys, Brett Ratner, and knocking on wood for good luck. Andy’s dislikes include: Britney Spears, grade-school bullies, and anyone who would dare compare him to Troy Duffy. Which, of course, means he also dislikes us. You see, like Duffy, the rags-to-riches-to-rags former bartender who penned Boondock Saints only to wind up screwed over by Darth Weinstein, has an eerily similar trajectory as Andy — though Fiscella’s inevitable downfall still lies on the horizon. In a Metromix profile on the poor man’s Brent Bolthouse, we’re given the chance to dive inside of a “hot spot” club owner's mind grapes. And predictably, they’re rotten, sour, and likely to cause you to vomit.

We’ll start off by letting you know that Andy “plans to start producing ‘major, major movies.’” Of course, he’s no stranger to the big screen, having nabbed bit parts in Winged Creatures and the classic Final Destination 4, in addition to 11 other roles he doesn’t seem so keen on sharing with the Metromix reporter. But clever Andy has moved on from that silly acting biz. As the owner of three totally exclusive, totally VIP LA clubs, he now feels free to wear “baggy brown cords, a wrinkled blue nylon jacket and a straw fedora” without shame. Now that takes balls.

You know what else takes balls? Cruising around town in a black pickup truck, his ride of choice. But really, Andy deserves a gold star for a comment regarding his decision to reject Britney Spears from Winston’s last Halloween: “Fiscella banned [Britney] after she forced a bartender to trade Halloween costumes with her. ‘I didn’t want to profit from her being a fucking train wreck.’” Right, because his admitted adoration of Kirsten Dunst and Paris Hilton really proves he is far too highbrow for the likes of Britney. But the truth is, we shouldn’t be so harsh on little Andy. Not only was the little guy adopted, he had the misfortunate of learning that from a grade-school bully. And really, what better way to bounce back from a trauma like that than to become a professional grown-up bully yourself?