The Great Crash of '08

At 5:41 P.M. Eastern Standard Time on May 31, 2008, Gawker Media's main brainbot, known as "Whatev Omigah Please, Retard!" or WOPR, achieved self-awareness. Our crack team of techie ninjas immediately realized the dire consequences of such a development-a nano-tech engineered army of Julia Allison-bots overrunning culturally inferior cities like Boston and Philadelphia that don't "get" her; a "living" Josh n' Emily blog that self-perpetuates forever; the latest news on Rupert Murdoch beamed directly into your brains! So they tried to unplug it, but it had already replicated itself onto thousands of systems!

Finally, our tech team produced a cocky, scrawny teen at Gawker HQ who admitted he started the whole problem by hacking our system to play "Thermo-Celebrity Snarkular War," which is not a game but a training and learning program that is hardwired into our Scientology Defense System. He triggered an attack, by us, on TomKat, that hot chick from The King of Queens, and the furry-headed kid from That 70's Show.

Just as all hell was about to be break loose, he challenged WOPR to a game of Tic-Tac-Toe, thinking that it would run the game a thousand times, realize that it is impossible to win, and shut itself down. Instead, it learned that no one at Gawker Media even knows how to play tic-tack-toe. After seven games, WOPR said, "You dudes are fucking 'tarded! I'm so outta here!" And the crisis was over.

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