Sex and the City: A Douchebag's Perspective

So intrepid douchebag Morty White figured that the release of the Sex and the City movie would be the perfect excuse to call up a few of his SATC-loving ex-girlfriends and make fun of them. Isn't he hysterical? "My first call was to Janet. She won the prize for bringing up Sex and the City the quickest-54 seconds into the date, to be exact. We went out on our date in 1999 and haven't spoken since (not including the three messages she left on my answering machine). It took a while for her to warm up to me over the phone, but she finally agreed to play ball:" It begins...

Morty: I remember that you loved Sex and the City.

Janet: Oh my god, my life is SO Sex and the City!

Morty: Every girl in New York says that.

Janet: I know. But with me it's really true.

Morty: Every girl in New York says that.

Janet: What do you know? You hated that show.

Morty: Yeah. I think that Sex and the City is a modern, less realistic rip-off of "Laverne and Shirley," but without the monogrammed sweater.

Janet: That doesn't even make sense.

Morty: Of course it does: Two best friends become four. Lenny and Squiggy are now two gay guys. Bowling alleys and pizza parlors are replaced with Pastis and Soho House.

Janet: That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of.

Morty: Come on, you know that if they had cable back then, there definitely would have been an episode where Carmine Ragusa's penis was so big, Shirley could barely put on her pants the next day.

Janet: Goodbye, Morty.

"Allison made it past the first date because I needed a hot companion for my company Christmas party. She was fun and sweet enough, but couldn't spell 'Louis Vuitton' if it wasn't written all over her handbag. And wallet. And shoes. Before I could even ask her about Sex and the City, Allison mentioned the words 'husband', 'pregnant', and 'why the hell are you calling me.':"

Morty: I don't know why you are so hostile to your ex that you haven't spoken to in seven years. Especially since it seems like you've done such a good job rebounding from our relationship.

Allison: I don't consider you my "ex," I consider you my "Y." As in "WHY did I ever go out with you?"

Morty: Funny.... Who said that, Carrie or Samantha?

Allison: Goodbye, Morty.

[HuffPo]