Well, we're here. We fought our way through hellacious traffic — 45 minutes on the off-ramp alone! — and we battled through the blazes that engulfed the famed clocktower from Back To The Future earlier today. Now Molly McAleer and myself are here are perched on the (surprisingly product placement free) yellow carpet, ready to take Hollywood down from the inside (again, we're still not sure how we managed to slip through the rigorous credentialing process). While we're still a little unsure of how all this will go down, one thing is assured — we'll be doing our best to wreak havoc. All of the action can be found after the jump!
6:58pm: Well, that was the show. Hard to tell if it was any good or not, but we know one thing for sure. We are sweaty and exhausted. Thanks for coming around and, for those of you on the West Coast who won't be seeing the show for another few hours, here's hoping you'll pop by during the show! We'll be pulling clips and dropping them into the liveblog when the show airs here. And with that, Grambo is OUT!
6:55pm: Here's something you won't see on TV. While they were rolling the credits for the Best Picture nominees, somebody dressed like one of The Strangers unsucessfully tried to crash the stage. He was wearing some sort of burlap sack over his head, but was caught by a burly security guard before he got onstage and was promptly escorted off the premises.
6:52pm: Jables has had a long day. Earlier this morning, we just happened to stroll up to Hollywood and Highland and stumbled into the Kung Fu Panda premiere. It's not everyday you walk down the street and see Jables and Cee-Lo singing "Kung Fu Fighting" at 11am, after all.
6:46pm: This Mike Myers skit about the weirdo animal trainer is really awkward, which also makes it really good in our book. But, again, I don't think it bodes well for the prospects of The Love Guru. I'm guessing he did a bit as the Guru Pitka earlier in the show — if it indeed happened, how did it come off?
6:40pm: This probably goes without saying, but Rainn Wilson was NOT naked just now. That one was for those of who who don't get out much.
6:35pm: Ellen Page just walked by us. Despite being on the tip sheet for the yellow carpet, she skipped it. Which is a shame, because we had a zinger of a question for her. Also, speaking of people who skipped the carpet, where the fuck was Diablo Cody? We were SO looking forward to finally meeting her face-to-face. But that's for another time. Back to Page, though. Not sure if she's been on camera yet, but she's decked out in black pants and a black leather jacket — which is exactly what we're wearing on a day that's 70 degrees and sunny.
6:33pm: So, Robin Antin, the manager/founder/whatever-the-fuck for the Pussycat Dolls (and sister to one of our all-time fave reality stars, Jonathan "Blow Out" Antin) was just standing behind us. Her butterface is so extreme that it makes Fergie look like Gisele. I've seen smaller canyons in Arizona than the ones on her face.
6:28pm: Someone, maybe us, needs to do some investigation into Brendan Fraser's hair. When we saw it on the carpet earlier today, we were kinda stunned by the visibility of homeboy's plugs. Can't tell how it looks on TV, but from roughly 30 feet away, we can confirm that his hair stylist should be fired.
6:21pm: We echo the sentiments of Heidiho: Lindsay Lohan's pins are hella crazed.
6:17pm: We don't think the odds of this "Viral Video" going viral are very good, but it certainly makes us want to see Tropic Thunder. Watching Downey Jr. more than hold his own with comedy veterans like Jables and Stiller confirms what we've been feeling for some time — this is his year. When Entertainment Weekly comes out with their end-of-year issue, unless something crazy happens, we are guaranteeing that he'll be their Entertainer Of The Year.
6:10pm: It must be key bump time. During this commercial break, we spotted Paris Hilton, her schlubby leprechaun of a boyfriend and Brody Jenner all head for the bathroom. Don't accuse of us being soft, here, but when Paris and Benji (or is it Joel? We can never get those two straight) walked by holding hands, they looked ... gasp ... like a real couple.
6:03pm: Tom Cruise! Although the crowd reaction to him was about one-fifth as loud as the standing ovation for Johnny Depp, the audience was pretty stunned to see him show up here. After all, unless we're mistaken, Tom Cruise wasn't even announced as a presenter for this show. He looked a little stunned when he first got on stage — he looked like he was expecting a bigger reaction, like the kind of one he used to get before he started jumping on couches. But, that said, he was the consummate pro up there. Not sure if this came through on the TV broadcast, but one of The Sandman's band members mistakenly forgot to turn his/her amp off while tuning up on stage. Cruise looked a little perturbed, but didn't miss a beat on the teleprompter. Why he gave Adam Sandler an award, though, we'll never know.
5:58pm: We commented earlier about how surprised we were that this award show had seemed relatively product placement free. Well, that just changed with an interminably long "digital short" that somehow ended up being a commercial for Orbit Gum. Also, we just realized who we talked to on the carpet a few hours back. Molls spent a good three minutes talking to the Orbit Gum Girl without even knowing who she was.
5:56pm: It might have just been us, but did The Rock's crack about "two balls being near [Steve Carell's] face" come off as more than slightly homophobic? This is exactly why marginally talented actors should NEVER improv.
5:51pm: Again, we're kind of catching up here, but why does Mike Myers sound so hoarse? Either way, it's really good to see that Mike Myers and Dana Carvey patched things up. As soon as the skit ended and the camera cut to the stars of Get Smart (that's what she said!), the two gave each other a big hug on stage. It looked totally impromptu. Still, let's hope The End Of Ideas train doesn't slow down long enough to convince these two to make a Wayne's World 3.
5:48pm: Love that they cut to burgeoning lesbian icon Lindsay Lohan when Garth was discussing the bisexual wonder Tila Tequila. Someone in the truck has been reading the gossip blogs.
5:43pm: Also, while we're here on commercial break, we are kicking ourselves for not bringing a bag of tomatoes in with us. We are within spitting distance of the cast of The Hills. Holy shit, Wayne's World reunion!
5:42pm: As much as we would like to hate on burgeoning Scientologist Will Smith, you can't deny that the man is intensely charismatic. By the way, it's a commercial break now and Rihanna is standing four rows or so down from us. She just gave a seat-filler a hideous glare when she didn't get up promptly from her seat.
5:36pm: So, we missed the beginning of the show and have a question to ask you, the loyal Defamer audience. Have their been any other Mike Myers bits like this? If so, did they go over so poorly? It's quieter than church in here. Not only did I not understand the premise — we caught something about 30 Odd Foot Of Grunts, Russell Crowe's terrible band — not a single joke got a laugh in the auditorium. This can't bode well for The Love Guru's prospects.
5:31pm: We just realized something — Ed Norton totally skipped the carpet (or, at least our part of it). Probably because he didn't have script approval.
5:26pm: Stoners nationwide are looking forward to seeing The Pineapple Express, which is currently slotted for theatrical release in the Judd Apatow sweetspot of August. We're a little confused about their bit; was that supposed to be real weed or fake weed? We didn't even smoke any weed today and we're utterly confused.
5:25pm: Phew. Back. There were some rumours that I wouldn't be able to get in, but the name Defamer strikes fear in publicist's hearts. Just watched Liv Tyler, that adorable doe of a woman, botch Coldplay's name as she introduced them. She called them Cold! Not much of a reader, that one. What else did I miss?
5something pm: We didnt' actually see this moment live but, thanks to the magic of the West Coast delay, we caught this magical moment of Mike Myers opening the show...
5:04pm: Okay, that's it! Heading inside, will be back online in a matter of minutes ... if all goes well. Fingers crossed that MTV PR doesn't fuck us over.
4:58pm: It doesn't get any more meta than me taking a picture of Molls taking a video of Brendan Fraser taking a cameraphone picture of himself.
4:55pm: Nick Denton, the guy who writes our checks, has oft been accused of having a big head. Well, he's got nothing on Jon Favreau. What a melon on that dude. Seriously. I swear I saw three tiny moons orbiting around it, by my iPhone didn't capture them. Damn shutter speed!
4:53pm: It's the one-year anniversary of the night that Sarah Silverman tore Paris Hilton a new one, the night before she (meaning Paris, not Sarah) got carted off to jail. She's talking to that British chap from MTV now, standing a good half a head taller than her boyfriend, the schlubby Other Guy from Good Charlotte.
4:49pm: Ah, the plight of being a CEO. Evil Viacom overlord Philippe Dauman and his plastic bride (or maybe girlfriend? We don't have time to Google it now) just walked down the carpet. Nobody flinched.
4:44pm: La Lohan just walked by. Like everyone else on the B-List and above, she moved with the swiftest of speed. Her haggardness was not showing, but that's just probably because Sam Ronson wasn't hanging on her arm. Like most starlets, she is lither than lithe up close and in person.
4:40pm: Will Smith and Charlize Theron just flew down the carpet faster than Viper in Top Gun. I was all, like "Where'd who go?"
4:31pm: [Also presented without comment.]
4:29pm: [Presented without comment.]
4:28pm: Rainn Wilson just confessed to us that he likes to anonymously send fake tips of celebrity sightings into us. And then he hugged Molly. That almost made us forgive The Office's premiere homeskillet for Juno. Almost.
4:21pm: When we saw Suze Orman at Saturday Night Live a few weeks back, we thought we had saw the most blazingly white set of teeth possible on a human being. Then we saw Audina Patridge.
4:16pm: Anna Faris, Rumer Willis and Kat McPhee are here to promote House Bunny. We have harbored a not-so-secret crush on Faris for as long as we can remember, and we think that this movie could be her Legally Blonde. She just looped back our way, we're trying to get her.
4:10pm: Molls vs. Tila Tequila: A match made in internet heaven. We know we're not saying anything that hasn't been said 1,000 times before, but she is TINY.
4:07pm: OMG COLDPLAY! Chris Martin just blew past us at 1,000,000 miles an hour. What a fookin' student.
4:03pm: At least Jon Voight remembered to check his teeth before coming to the awards.
3:55pm: We take what we said about Doug Benson back. He just made the same Backdraft joke that we made earlier today. Molls got some great video — check back tomorrow — of the prospects of Super High Me getting some MTV Movie Award love at next year's awards. Getting high for 30 days straight oughta get him something.
3:49pm: As much as we love Doug Benson (which, actually, is a lot), we're a bit underwhelmed to be about an hour into this thing and have him be the biggest star we have seen. But the screams are getting louder down at the end of the carpet. If we're lucky, maybe that means that a bobblehead like Heidi Montag has made an entrance.
3:45pm: We are so hard up to see some talent that we have resorted to taking pictures of reporters. Can anyone identify the blonde in this picture? Whoever she is, we are angling for the digits. Wait, we have an update! All of the camera people are now standing on their little stepladders, so it must mean that it's game time (we hope...)!
3:36pm: The last time we saw a carpet this boring, we were buying it! Groan, we know. But still. What the fuck? Right now, the "fans" sitting directly across from us — in the shade, might we add — are getting restless. They have resorted to cheering anyone who isn't wearing jeans. For instance, they just cheered four random and very overdressed girls who just so happened to stroll the carpet. They weren't even famous! Groan, we shoulda listened to Kurt Vonnegut and wore sunscreen.
3:26pm: Tweedle dee, tweedle dum. Right about now, we are reminiscing the glory days when Christian Siriano was prancing around. So, that leaves us with this ... so, how about that Sex And The City movie? We pegged it to open at $51.5 million, and although some progniscators were calling for a $70 million weekend after a blockbuster Friday, early estimates have it pulling in a mammoth $55.7 million this weekend. Which means — expect a sequel to be announced as early as this evening. Looks like Kim Cattrall was right to veto the first script a few years back, it probably would've been too soon.
3:17pm: We told you traffic was bad! Nary a "real" celeb has made their way to the carpet yet. Also — so here on Blog Row, there is a sticker right in front of our table that says, in big huge letters, DEFAMER.COM. So far, the amount of publicists that have walked by our table and shook their heads in disgust is three. We are confident that this number will grow.
3:13pm: Finally, Christian gets his due with that one British guy who does all the interviews on MTV now. Which gets us thinking. Maybe we're feeling a bit xenophobic, but what is MTV trying to tell us with their insistence on hiring foreign people to deliver the news to the millenials of America (those of whom still watch TV, that is)? Not only is there that British dude, but we happened to catch a few minutes of TRL the other day and it was being hosted by some Australian bimbette. Or maybe she was a Kiwi. We've never been able to tell those accents apart. But we digress ... why are we outsourcing these jobs overseas?
3:04pm: Rumors are sweeping Blog Row that a "big star" will be making their way onto the carpet at 3:08pm. We are positively shuddering with excitement. because so far, the most famous person we have seen is Mark Steines. Maybe the fires scared everyone away?
2:57pm: So, Christian Siriano. We all know that you're a fierce hot mess and/or a Tranny from Transylvania, but it does not behoove you to continually parade up and down the yellow carpet BEFORE THE YELLOW CARPET HAS EVEN STARTED. We know your fifteen minutes have nearly expired, but desperation does not become you.
2:49pm - - Molls and your Uncle Grambo standing at a little blue table here on Blog Row. We are standing directly in front of a throng of screaming girls, whose shrill shrieks when Christian Soriano just walked by will surely haunt us even longer than The Strangers will. And for those of you who have yet to see The Strangers, just trust us that that will be a long, long time.