On last night's installment of The Bachelorette—ABC's envelope-pushing social experiment in which a houseful of horny male actors split their evenings between discovering each other's bodies and convincing a deeply deluded young woman that they are actually there to woo her—the remaining suitors were treated to a surprise field trip to The Ellen DeGeneres Show studio. There, they were grilled by the talk show host on what, exactly, they found so alluring about designated trophy-object DeAnna Pappas. (This proves especially challenging, as Pappas quite noticeably suffers from a congenital personality-deficiency that prevents her from doing or saying anything of interest beyond recalling the death of her mother.)
To DeGeneres's credit, she then dispenses with the niceties, and crystallizes what this dick-measuring pageant is really all about: All the bachelors were required to stand in a chorus line, then drop their pants for a package-scrutinizing contest featuring Ellen's own junk-isolating, cling-fit boxers. While it's difficult to make out on the video above, in 46-inch HD (and aided by DVR FreezeBulge™ technology), it became overwhelmingly obvious that Jesse, the wacky professional snowboarder, was master of the half-pipe in more ways that one. He therefore gets the Official Defamer Squeal of Approval; all other takers, including disconcertingly pinheaded frontrunner Jeremy, can now go home.