Papa Joe Simpson: Hollywood's Least Valuable Player

We have a feeling that, were there a group of deadbeat dads out in Glendale (a la those Dina Lohan-lovin' freaks out East) who got drunk enough one day to form a Totally Awesome Dads Association (TADA!), they would most likely celebrate their first-year anniversary by handing out their Bud Light-drenched award for Father Of The Year to Papa Joe Simpson. Why? Well, as we already know, the former minister-turned-dadager managed to pimp out a few mind-numbingly boring exclusive wedding pictures featuring most annoyingly faux-punk new marrieds on the planet, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz, to People a few weeks back. But what we didn’t know was that, at the same time, Simpson was allegedly attempting to sell off his other daughter Jessica — not to the tabloids, but to then-boyfriend Tony Romo. See the astonishing managing skills this guy has? But he reportedly wasn’t stopping at selling off his daughter — he was also said to be pressuring the quarterback to sign a client/manager agreement and become one of the magically successful Simpson Family Players:

In a move we simply cannot fathom, Papa Joe actually attempted to steal Romo away from his longtime sports agent and agree to sign a contract with him for a reported $67.5 million. As every single character on Lost has said myriad times..."WHAT?" This guy used to be a Texas minister, realized his daughters had great racks and decent smiles, threw out his Jesus Fish stickers, and marketed them to the pop industry. A few reality shows and plastic surgery sessions later, the Simpson girls are still wallowing dangerously close to the D-List. And simply because he's a Cowboys fan, Joe hand-selects his favorite player to date his pouty daughter by luring him in with her push-up bras and even poutier lips. Inevitably, Romo realizes the great rack only goes so far when all Jessica really does is screw him over on Game Day (and not in the good way), so Joe has the nerve to, essentially, ask Tony to pay him money for the pleasure of schtupping his daughter? We think there's a word for this, and that word is gall.

[Photo credit: Popcrunch]