On last night's The Bachelorette, a visibly frazzled DeAnna Pappas—clearly crumbling beneath the pressures of having just five short weeks to adequately assess the high-grade man-cattle brought in for her personal studding services—had nothing short of a completely fake breakdown. We're still not entirely sure what brought it on—something about the discouragement of chef contestant Robert, doomed from the start for a demonstrated reluctance to taking off his shirt.

Moments later, there was DeAnna, tearfully castigating the rest of the shirtless and more attractive (and therefore safe) bachelors, explaining that, "[Sniff] Right now I should be the happiest girl in the world, and you're all breaking my heart. [Louder sniff.] K? [High-pitched, squeaky voice:] Y'all feel good about that?" They did not, not one bit, and before long they were falling all over their shirtless selves to make things right again with the whiny woman of their dreams—perhaps because only she understood what it's like to sit back idly as your pre-selected life-mate whores it up with a houseful of reality show contestants. A surprising double bachelorcide was soon to come, with Robert—the man who started it all—icily dispatched, followed by sweet-natured Chicago lawyer Fred, both of whom Pappas felt she couldn't picture "making a life with," i.e. didn't look good enough with their shirts off. [The Bachelorette]