As we’ve learned on our first few voyages into the Living Lohan household, where Dina Lohan knows best and familial ties do not exempt you from abiding by her all-knowing wrath, the multi-tasking Momager extraordinaire proved her managerial skills outstandingly in last night’s episode. The Other Lohan, the surfer-haired preteen brother whose dismal fate has been shoved to the side the more worried and concerned we become following rising rap star Ali’s increasingly deafening fits of rage, had his first shot at some real camera time during this episode. And despite Dina’s obvious disinterest in her son’s career prospects (that is, until he hits puberty and his marketing appeal among tweenybop girls increases exponentially), the queen of the house does find time to throw cash at the problem. Low-prioritized Cody-centric tasks include hiring a token age-equivalent friend, halfheartedly attempting to include him in yet another Ali photo spread, and feigning concern for all three
moneymakers children during whiny, crocodile tear-filled cries for help aimed at Tough Love Lohan grandmatriarch, Ann Sullivan. Our picks for Dina’s three most inspiring parenting lessons from last evening’s half-hour are:
1) When Your Daughter Cries Due To Physical Pain, Take Charge By Screaming Your Personal Assistant’s Name Until The Minion Arrives To Solve The Problem! After forcing rising rap star and Lindsay 2.0 Ali to undergo yet another photo shoot held in the soothing enclave of Dina’s Ground Zero (the Lohans’ Long Island manse/business center), Ali dares to complain about the discomfort caused by all ten pounds of pancake makeup applied to her face. Dina’s solution? The overlordess promptly begins a rousing succession of shrill barks directed at the family’s misplaced assistant Alexis, the kids’
real stand-in mother. Genius, mainly because the servant will obviously arrive far sooner than it will take Dina to exacerbate her troubles to the growing camera crew presence constantly throwing Serious Questions in her direction.
2) Provoke Sympathy From Viewers By Bringing Up Dead Ex-Boyfriend Memories! As Dina voices her endless truckload of issues every major celebrity mom has to deal with, mainly the fact that, you know, she was “in this business,” and “you just have to love them” no matter how many more luxuries than young carpenter’s dream Dina did than Ali at her age, Dina loudly provides an example of just how brutal her childhood was: “You know I dated somebody who was killed in a car accident.” Say no more, Dina. No really, say no more.
3) Provide Lessons On Maturity And Professionalism By Offering Makeup To Son For Laughs And Slamming Doors In Daughter's Face! You see, the pivotal plot line last night revolved around Ali’s sneaky purchase of a puppy behind Dina’s back. Dina provides various displays of parenting excellence by yelling and screaming at Ali before ultimately showing us exactly how mothers should deal with an unruly door-slamming teenager: prove your dominance by slamming their bedroom door right back at them. Top the move off by completing the lesson with an exclamatory “Nice try! Watch! I can do this too!” The risk of inviting Ali to force Dina out of her room by slamming her door every half-hour is balanced by just how totally awesome and in charge Dina looks throwing an adult version of a shit fit.