'Ahm Mashew McConauhdgrl—Ahm Gonna Be Daddee!!!'

We once pledged that impending fatherhood would do nothing to tame the mighty, freespirited party-beast that is Hollywood's most sought-after torsobitionist, Matthew McConnaughey. Loath as we are to deliver a pinky-flinging, double-shaka "we told you so" sign—well, we told you so:

The Fool's Gold star was in San Juan Del Sur, Nicaragua, on June 6 drinking himself into a near-stupor at the Iguana Bar, while groping and hitting on a number of women, Star has learned.

"He was acting like an out-of-control 18-year-old," claims an eyewitness who was at the bar. "He already seemed to be drunk when he arrived alone, and he only got worse from there on. He was putting the make on every woman in his path, throwing his arms around them and trying to kiss them, and trying to dirty-dance with a few out on the floor. But he was a mess, slurring his words and stumbling around.

"A few minutes after he finally left the bar, someone found him searching through a sewage ditch outside. When they asked him what he was doing, he mumbled, 'I've lost my flip-flops!'"

While there's something epically tragic in the actor's drunken cry of flip-flop despair—it's sort of the missing-beach-footwear equivalent of Daniel Plainview's "I've abandoned my boy!"—we'd hardly rush to judgment and accuse the fun-loving actor of shirking his impending fatherly duties. On the contrary—what might seem from afar like inappropriately debaucherous behavior might, upon closer inspection, in fact be a personalized search for the most qualified nannies on the planet—a mission which could later take him to Sweden for a rigorous round of au-pair squeeze-testing.