Jared Paul Stern's Lawyer Needs an Editor

Former Page Six gossip Jared Paul Stern famously lost his job when he was accused of trying to extort zillionaire supermarket magnate Ron Burkle. No charges were ever filed. So Jared filed a defamation suit against Burkle—and Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Secret Service agent Frank Renzi, flack Mike Sitrick, and Daily News reporter William Sherman. Bad news, Stern fans: a judge has dismissed the suit. He dismissed it with great prejudice and even a little literary criticism. "A New York State Supreme Court justice trashed Jared Paul Stern's lawsuit in his decision, saying it read more like a 'Mickey Spillane novel' than a carefully argued statement of law." Ouch. James Cain—or even Jim Thompson!—would be one thing, but you really don't want your legal brief reading as ham-fisted as a Mike Hammer book. Is this the end of little Jared? No. No, it is not.

Stern promises to appeal the ruling, first off. Which will be fun. And Stern is still suing his former employers at the New York Post! In Florida. Because Stern's lawyer Larry Klayman is a conservative political activist who keeps suing the Clintons over and over again, so now he's only only allowed to argue cases in Florida, Pennsylvania, and D.C.. Maybe some sun will do Stern good?

And hey, Stern should still look on the bright side. His life may be in shambles, but at least he's not one of the two former Page Six contributors currently in jail for statutory rape or theft. He's not even reduced to writing for Gawker! (Anymore.)