Britney Spears Suicide Alert! Hide All Umbrellas, Meds, And Morphine-Laced Lollipops!

Just when we thought Britney’s 378th comeback attempt (you know, the real one) was on its final wobbly legs of materializing, a salacious cover story from Life & Style paints Britney as a suicidal and unstable girl (but not yet a woman). Using the headline “Britney’s Suicide Drama,” details are promised regarding the currently slimmed down doting mother who’s finally perfected that weave nonsense after years of failing, along with her battles with repeated suicide attempts. As the weekly’s source claims, “I spoke with her many times and I’ve gone to her house...She’s on major medications...like a zombie now. She’s a shell of her old self.” But after getting past the enticing glossy cover, we found several holes in the exclamatory top story, a few of which we unveil after the jump:

As it turns out, these two suicide attempts have very little to do with the Britney we’ve recently begun to muster up a bit of pride for — after romping around new father figure and sobriety expert Mel Gibson’s Caribbean retreat all smiles and apparently dating a guy who neither wears wifebeaters nor makes a living taking pictures of stars flashing their, well, Britney, we’d joined the Package on her most recent recovery train. And after reading excerpts from the not-so-shocking story itself, we’re still aboard. Despite the source being Celebrity Undercover author Ian Halperin, the scribe who spent years undercover in the COS as a gay actor impressively revealing the inner workings of Scientology’s bizarre practices, the dates Halperin supplies for Britney’s alleged suicidal tendencies are ancient in Hollywood years.

As a Spears family insider chimes in, “the singer regularly hinted at suicide...her suicidal tendencies began after the birth of her second son Jayden James in September 2006. 'It really became an issue once Jayden was born and it became clear Britney's marriage to Kevin was crumbling.'” 2006?! Two years ago, Bald Britney, Umbrella Swinging Britney, Pink Bobbed Britney, nor Gurney-Riding Britney had yet to even make their thrilling debuts! Who wouldn’t consider taking one too many sleeping pills after realizing you’d wasted years with a poor man’s Vanilla Ice and kinda, maybe, probably shoulda waited a few years or never to pop out babies prone to matricide? Revelations, shmevelations indeed.

[Photo credit: Life & Style via Daily Mail]