Sometimes we feel the need to get down on our knees and bow down to Mother of the Century Dina Lohan. Not only did she produce the neverending carnival ride that is Lindsay Lohan, but she has managed to do the impossible: get Ali Lohan a job. Sure, Ali was supposed to be a rap star or white hip hop lyricist or something, but a gig is a gig. Proving that one should always be careful of what they wish for, Ali’s desire to “be just like Lindsay” has manifested in the form of a potential starring role in the remake of a 1980s cult not-so-classic. But before congratulating the 15-year old by sending over a giant supply of cokepants and nail polish to Casa Lohan, we’re forced to rain on this pitiful parade by informing you which movie Ali’s Big Break will be in: the remake of Troll. Why this is quite possibly the worst idea in the history of ideas, after the jump.
Let’s begin by noting that Troll, the 1986 low-budget comedy/horror flick, was named as one of the 50 Worst Movies Ever Made in a documentary film of the same name. Of course, the doc was made in 2004, so it’s quite possible I Know Who Killed Me might have bumped it off the list were it released beforehand. Moving on! Among the myriad reasons why the Rosemary’s Baby-meets-The Exorcist-meets-Chuckie caper was a horrendous hack job unworthy of its two sequels or any kind of remake whatsoever, is this bit of trivia: a young male character in the film is named Harry Potter Jr., and due to the presence of a young male character with the same name in JK Rowling’s bank-breaking series and films, original Troll writer/director John Carl Buechler is of the opinion that he invented “the original Harry Potter.”
So what joy awaits us should Ali nail the role? For those of you who haven’t weeped through a viewing of this Dark Crystal wannabe, Torak the Troll is a funny-looking little demon thing who possesses inhabitants of an apartment building, infusing them with the spirits of things like goblins and bugbears, trapping them in coffins and unleashing murderous bat monsters, his version of Judge Doom’s “Dip.” But the far-from-funny dialogue and moldy amateur filming led to its rep as an all-time worst of the worst. Little Ali, should she be lucky enough to play Torak’s beloved ex-wife Eunice, will be making her big screen debut as a witch whose heart belongs to one of the most despised and ignored horror villains in movie history. We can just hear Dina’s overly-tight jeans snapping in half as she high-kicks her way into an adrenaline rush higher than any Lindsay has ever experienced. Bravo.