Three Reasons Why Madonna Will Never Have 'Incredible Sex' With Guy Ritchie Again

The seven-year itch has reportedly struck the unusually long and strong union between Madonna and Guy Ritchie, but news of the split isn’t exactly sending anyone into shock. It was only three years ago when Madonna practically divorced her frostylocks husband on television, telling the world in an MTV documentary that she “wanted to end everything,” and that Guy hadn’t lived up to whatever S&M-loving, hotel room-wrecking ideal she’d “imagined him to be.” But we’re not so sure the soft-spoken director of speedy-spoken indie flicks was necessarily the problem child in this couplet. Considering Madonna’s behavior over the past year or so, scented ever so slightly with desperation and Justin Timberlake’s ass cheeks, we came up with three of the most likely reasons we think the love story went sour:

1. The World No Longer Wants Madonna's Sex: As we know by now, Lesbian Chic is the word. And despite her reputation as being so very salacious in the Erotica department, Madonna's on-stage kiss with her female backup dancer two months ago didn't cause much of a ripple in the pop culture universe. All the stunt really did was make Lourdes cry and finally learn what all those ladies were doing crawling in between Mommy's legs in the Ritchies' many life-size portraits hung prominently in each and every house they call home. Marrying Madonna should mean being one half of a super sexy barrier-crossing team — if Madge couldn't even compete with Lindsay Lohan in making lesbianism "cool," what is she doing for his stock?

2. Guy Ritchie Does Not Have Brad Pitt Penis Envy: Just as little Maddox put the nail in Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton's bloody coffin of a relationship, adopting the Ritchies' newest asset David from Malawi was allegedly not such a joyous occasion for Guy. After rumors surfaced that Ritchie wasn't on board, his public denials after the fact didn't do much to help squash the gossip. As he put it, "We don't talk about it. We haven't talked about it for the past six months." And somehow we doubt Guy will be yammering on and on about his legally adopted son David for the foreseeable future either.

3. Madonna Officially Swept Away Guy's Filmmaking Cred: After pulling a Gwyneth in 2006 and "giving up" that whole showbiz career, the Desperately Seeking Susan scene-stealer spent years trying to figure out, Her Madgesty not-so-memorably spread her directing wings for this year's Berlin Film Festival disaster, Filth And Wisdom. And even after THR noted its sole saving grace was assisting audience members with "getting in touch with their inner slut," Madonna just announced last week how much she prefers unloading bombs like these to shimmying around stages. But when you're dating the likes of former BAFTA nominee Ritchie, whose highly stylized gems have managed to make Brad Pitt look funny and indecipherable dialogue feel tolerable, the battle between Guy's talent and Madonna's indestructible ego is enough to make anyone run for the hills. The silver lining? Madge will no longer singlehandedly wreck any more of Ritchie's films by testing out her accents on-screen.