Fortune ranks Steve Jobs replacement candidates, but we know who it will be already

Apple COO Timothy Cook is the man most likely to replace co-founder and current CEO Steve Jobs according to Fortune.

Cook’s deep knowledge of Apple’s operations and ready command of detail has won him the respect of the board of directors and the investment community. A bachelor with a passion for cycling, he’s as steady and low-key as Jobs is temperamental.

Of course, as any Apple employee will tell you, "steady and low-key" doesn't strike the necessary fear into their hearts like Jobs' legendary tirades.

Jonathan Ive, the wildly talented designer and crowd favorite for the role, is apparently even more soft-spoken, and too shy to carry the yoke of showman that he would inherit. However, secret plans not obtained by Valleywag have revealed Jobs' succession plans: A top secret project begun by Jobs while still at NeXT to take back Apple by force if necessary has been quietly resurrected by Ive, with Apple engineers working only on small parts so as not to reveal the true goal — an indestructable cyborg assassin capable of verbally abusing ten times the employees in a single day while still finding time to ignore his no-longer biologically related daughter.

I, for one, welcome my new Robot Steve Jobs overlords.