If you emerged from Saturday's city-wide, Paps vs. Surfs caste riots with two or more limbs (and both flip-flops) intact, consider yourselves one of the lucky ones: It was a massacre out there, folks. Slow the bleeding with the box office numbers from this robust, bullet-bending moviegoing weekend:
1. Wall-E - $62.5 million
Realizing that their last vision of a dystopian future-Earth—2006's Cars, in which automobiles ruled the planet, fueled by an endlessly replenishable supply of human livestock bred in subterranean people-farms—was perhaps a little too dark a subject matter for their intended family audiences, Pixar decided to simplify this time around. The result: A nearly silent love story featuring a binoculars-on-treads that critics are hailing as a modern classic. Disney can only be overjoyed with the results: Wall-E earned the second-highest June opening of all time, and Pixar's third-highest debut, behind Finding Nemo. The only person to come away disappointed? Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, who saw in the parable a painful metaphor for his failed attempts at winning the heart of his own Extraterrestrial Vegetation Evaluator, Kathy Griffin. Upon returning home, he instantly set upon smashing any remotely Wall-E-ish thing in his garage to pieces— which included the Segway they rode on their first date, and an early Apple prototype made from parts of a Speak n' Spell and a hand-mixer.
2. Wanted - $51.118 million
But were Wall-E the only record-breaking Box Office Miracle™ this weekend, for more mature audiences (read: 14-year-olds with patchy facial hair and highly suspicious drivers licenses issued by the State of Hawaii) flocked instead to this visually arresting, swervy-ammo shoot 'em up. Among the paradigm-upending innovations conjured up by director Timur Bekmambetov (a proud Kazakh export and delicious retribution for three years of humiliating, "In my country we have a pen outside for the animals and womens!" jokes): Angelina Jolie illuminated by fluorescent drugstore lighting, James McAvoy's transformation from turtle-faced office-nerd to action hero, and Morgan "God" Freeman getting all MF-bomb-droppin' badass again.
3. Get Smart - $20 million
If you think you might enjoy Steve Carell pretending to talk like a deaf person, then being referred to as a "retard," then doing a dance routine with an obese woman who—wait for it—actually ends up being light on her feet...then Get Smart is the movie for you!
5. The Incredible Hulk - $9.226 million
We've taken a cue from Incredible, and started wearing a wristwatch pulse-meter ourselves, in a similarly feeble attempt at avoiding waking up naked somewhere in the British Columbian wilderness after a particularly destructive Midori Sour bender.