NBC To Buy Weather Channel, Jazz Up Coming Apocalypse

Because global weather patterns will only get more catastrophic until the last human finally starves in a sea of sand and fire, NBC Universal is wisely buying the Weather Channel for $3.5 billion. The deal includes website Weather.com, but more exciting for NBC is surely the cable channel, carried in 97 percent of U.S. homes. Imagine the cross-promotional possibilities that will emerge as global warming engulfs both coasts, and their advertiser-coveted demographics, in slow but steady ruin!

You could bring Saturday Night Live characters onto the Weather Channel, in the mold of former SNL cast member Chris Farley when he personified El Niño (clip below).

There will surely be plenty of real-life dramatic material to draw on. Here's the latest depressing summary of the coming hellscape from Elizabeth Kolbert in the New Yorker (attached to what was supposed to be an uplifting story about Danish windmills):

The consequences of this warming are difficult to predict in detail, but even broad, conservative estimates are terrifying: at least fifteen and possibly as many as thirty per cent of the planet's plant and animal species will be threatened; sea levels will rise by several feet; yields of crops like wheat and corn will decline significantly in a number of areas where they are now grown as staples; regions that depend on glacial runoff or seasonal snowmelt-currently home to more than a billion people-will face severe water shortages; and what now counts as a hundred-year drought will occur in some parts of the world as frequently as once a decade.

Sounds like a ratings bonanza!